Old post redux -"BETH KELLY: COMPOSITE SKETCH ARTIST" (Dedicated to my love Erin Sullivan, on account of her 'love' of blood-diamond encrusted skulls)

"It takes a long time for a man to look like his portrait"
- James McNeill Whistler

"At moments of great enthusiasm it seems to me that no one in the world has ever made something this beautiful and important."
-M.C. Escher

“Theo, the more I think about it, the more I realize there would nothing more valuable to my artistic soul than being a composite sketch artist for my local police precinct."
-Vincent Van Gogh

I often wonder if, without art, would we ever have evolved from the apes? Imagine the first caveman who held aloft a stick dipped in dinosaur feces, preparing himself to draw a picture of some guy killing a woolly mammoth or dragging his girlfriend by the hair into his cave. Imagine if he suddenly decided it was a stupid idea. Said to himself "It's not gonna come out looking good anyway, whats the point?". So he just goes back to doing the same sad routine he plays out everyday...hitting bones with other bones because it's fun, right?

(It does look fun)

But maybe one day he picks up the stick again and rubs it with another stick and invents fire, the most destructive element known to man. Without art, we would only have fire. And what is fire really, but something to burn down a house or a church with? Art will not burn down your house. It may leave you homeless. But an artist can always crash on someones couch, simply by trading some of their art if the alleged 'someone' agrees it will make their apartment look cool.

I feel art is like oxygen. Without it I see a world metaphorically gasping for air, slowly suffocating from not being able to see Damien Hirst’s latest “Room With Nothing In It Except For A Photograph Of An Empty Room” installation.

I don't even want to live in blood diamond encrusted skull-less world

I repeatedly imagine this terrible scenario: Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel, and it's looking really good. He's only painted one angel- looking person but you already know the rest in gonna come out looking awesome. Suddenly, out of nowhere his hands are sliced off by a rogue machete, telekineticly launched at him by Carrie White from the movie ‘Carrie’. (In this scenario he has been pointing at her and chanting “They’re all gonna laugh at you” over and over again so you can’t really blame her).

I also imagine this "Twilight Zone" fantasy: What if Picasso had decided not to be a painter and chose to be a writer instead? . In place of ‘Les Demoiselles d'Avignon’ we would have a shitty book* describing how cute his dog Lump is, and how great whores are at doing sex with him.

What's Cubism? There isn't any.

Last but not least is Vincent Van Gogh, who single ear-edly has become the international paradigm for 'artists that nobody notices are geniuses until they die'. (Or 'ATNNAGUTD' ). Van Gogh painted the underbelly of the Dutch world. The opium addicts, the potato peelers, the- weird-of-face, and most importantly, the criminal element. As I have spent the last 12 years working as freelance forensic/composite artist for various law enforcement agencies, I often feel the ghostly presence of Van Gogh hovering over me whispering in my ear “Cut it off...”. Then he says to me “Beth, there is no blue without yellow and without orange.” Then I say, “I only work in with a # 2 pencil or black charcoal”. And then he says “Use colored pastels” and then I say “But we don't do composite sketches in color” and then he's all “Beth, just shut the hell up and listen to me! Your making me want to cut off my other ear!" and then I hear his brother saying “Vincent, you must leave Beth now, it's time to return to the sanitarium. Get back in your room with no windows and make more paintings from memory that nobody will ever buy."

Then he’s gone. But he’s never really gone. He is my spirit animal, and his paintings are on all my coffee cups.

I have just recently developed a Composite Sketch Drawing Workshop. I want to share with you some of my most recent pieces that I feel embody the essence of artistic freedom and it’s unquestionable impact on society. The reality of composite sketch art is not merely about apprehending trench coat flashers, muggers and kleptos. It's also about finding your dreams and realizing your passions in the wondrous renderings of people's faces described by victims who have been traumatized* to the point of hysteria.

*Only occasionally resulting in mass confusion over the difference between Latino, Asian, and Black facial features

I call this "The Extinction of Free Speech (Species)". This man has zipped up his windbreaker to the point where he is nearly mouthless. He has conflicted his free speech out of his own 'free' will (a fascinating dichotomy), and chooses to communicate with his hands, although he is too lazy to learn sign language.

"The Duality of Dualism". This shows two separate representations of the same man. Who is he? The first picture and the second one? Or the second picture and the first? (You may discuss this during my workshop. I am open to your individual opinions but just know that I only adhere to my own. Hint: He is neither of these guys.)

Here is an example of using diversity to convey artistic sentiment. I wanted this piece to emphasize that the young man was a talented musician, with dreams of being a contestant on American Idol. Which is probably why he robbed that guitar shop.

I threw this in here as an example of the "Flash in the Pan" type of composite sketch artist who has merely gained attention for his/her famous subject and whose heart clearly was not in the work. This person below could be anybody. It has no personality, no whimsy. It aspires to nothing but mediocrity.

These two companion pieces are some of my latest work. They are entitled "So Sweet and Low, the Diabetic" and I drew them during a frenzy of creativity. As you can see, they sold within days. (In my industry arrested indicates 'SOLD'). It's true. You can look it up.

Here's a female serial killer. These women are very rare so I call this piece "The Pearl of The Ocean". Adrift in a 'sea' of murderous homicidal rage, so I made her facial expression very enigmatic. She is like "Hmm...Lalala...maybe I hate you, maybe I like you, maybe I want to kill you". Very 'Mona Lisa-esque'.

Lastly, I have a piece by a current student of mine Patrick McQuade. Patrick's talent is evident in the wild shock of hair, the riveting eyes and his superior draftsmanship of this sex offender (still wanted by the FBI.) Patrick couldn't think of a name so I like to call it" Showtime At The Apollo".

MYSTERIES OF THE TAROT: REVEALED!

The Tarot, or “Tarrow” as it was once spelled back in a time of my life when was grammar unimportant to me, is an ancient form of divination/card game, similar to poker but infinitely more valuable. Knowledge of future heartbreak, impending disease and death, or plastic chips? I’ll take the knowledge of impending death thank you very much. But the tarot is not limited to the grim, inescapable future. Romance, travel, getting a great new job...all these can be revealed in the 22-card deck. I say ‘can be’ because it’s slim to none that good things are seen in the cards; in my experience they mostly just foretell the horrors to come. Join me today as I introduce the curious reader to the Major Arcana cards and the meaning behind them!

THE FOOL

The card shows a young man, in Renaissance Fair outfit, holding a flower. He is perched atop a cliff, and about to fall off it but doesn't even care because he’s looking at the pretty sky. Basically, this card represents our childlike wonderment, or “soul idiocy”. When this card is shown in the traditional three card spread, it usually indicates that you are about to try drugs for the first time and/or you may be hit by a vehicle. Either way, the Fool is a powerful card even if it shows a very stupid person in the picture.

THE MAGICIAN

The Magician stands at a table with a magical symbol over his head. There are magical things on the table - a giant cup, and a Jewish plate. He holds aloft a scroll, or it could be candle, it’s hard to say. Also, there are grape vines. The Magician represents the power of wine, and its relevance in making crucial decisions in life. When this card is revealed in the three card spread, you will probably be drunk within the day or sometime the following week. (Not necessarily on wine, that is just a spiritual symbol for any alcoholic beverage.).

THE HIGH PRIESTESS

Well. Somebody thinks she is quite a big deal. This young lady is the precursor to The Empress, so she is probably her daughter. She is shown sitting at a throne flanked by two columns with the initials “B” on one side and”J” on the other (It is considered ok to laugh the first 3 times you notice this but after that you will be scolded by your gypsy). If this card is revealed, it is possible you are going through relationship problems, or you're about to get a bill in the mail that will be of insignificant sum.

THE EMPRESS

The Empress is shown on a sled with a shield next to her. She’s holding a staff in her hand, and wearing a cuter outfit than her daughter. She is prettier too. Basically, she’s the same as the high priestess but just older, and she’s married to the next card, the Emperor. The shield indicates that she has protection from evil elements, and when this card is displayed you should probably throw out any old potato salad in your refrigerator, or consider buying a down jacket.

THE EMPEROR

He is the King. His throne is made out of baby goats. He’s holding a staff in his hand too. He is symbolic of the domination over the weak, and when revealed in a spread, some Tarot readers will tell you this card represents personal strength, but I think it means you are going to be a victimized by a homophobe, even if you're not gay. Let me be clear: I do not like this person. I think he should be taken out of the deck and replaced by a baby Bengal tiger, but that’s just my opinion.

THE HIEROPHANT

This is the Emperor's psychic. He goes to him and asks him questions, such as, “Who shall I victimize next? Who should I plunder?”. The Hierophant is very wise and this is revealed by observing the two men beneath him. They are asking him questions constantly. Everyone asks the Hierophant questions, so when he shows up in a spread you should ask yourself why you make so many mistakes in life, and agonize over that for several days.

THE LOVERS

One would assume this card means you are in a solid romantic relationship, or headed in that direction. This is inaccurate. Notice the giant angel-looking woman over the two lovers? That is a demon and she's pushing the lovers away from each other, because she just doesn’t like seeing people happy I guess. Just a bitter demon. The Lovers shown in conjunction with the Emperor is just about the worst spread imaginable. Every time this card comes up for me I get broken up with by text message.

THE CHARIOT

This card depicts a man in a chariot driven by two Egyptian pharaohs. He is going someplace, but where? And how come he is so important that the pharaohs carry him around? This card means you are most likely about to gain celebrity or fame for something that you don’t deserve. I call this the Paris Hilton card of the major Arcana.

STRENGTH

Here is a nice woman who is looking inside the mouth of a lion like it’s no big deal. She has a magical symbol above her head, so I think she is the Magician's wife. She is friends with lions so what more can you say? She is strong. This card often means you are spending too much time on the internet, and must be strong and just try and read a book or something. Read a book about lions!

THE HERMIT

This is a lonely man, but he likes it that way. He walks the earth with a cane and holds a lamp because he only likes the dark. I think he might be a vampire. A foreboding card, for me at any rate. When this card came up for me recently, I soon lost my ATM card and was nearly hit by a water balloon thrown from a high distance.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

There is so much going on here, snakes and angels and griffins and a pharaoh and a demon. Everybody is reading magazines, and naturally there is a wheel of fortune in the center. This card represents destiny and when revealed in conjunction with the Empress card and the Fool, you may soon be going into a phase in your life that is either slightly self-destructive or highly self-destructive.

JUSTICE

A stern-faced man/woman with a crown on his/her head. They hold a scale in their hands. This card is pretty self-explanatory. If you have recently had an argument with a friend and this card turns up, they will probably call you and apologize. You could also get arrested for shoplifting, which is what happened to me.

THE HANGED MAN

The following two cards seem intimidating and scary, but they are quite innocuous according to me. The hanged man depicts an upside down guy, with one leg extended and pointing to his knee. He is hanging from a pole with grape vines. I think he is exercising (It’s called Inversion Therapy... it’s fun!) and most definately drunk. He looks pretty happy to me. I believe this card implies you are entering a healthy drunken stage in your life.

DEATH

People are always scared of this card but that’s just ignorant. Anybody familiar with the Tarot knows that the death card does not indicate a real death occuring (That would be the Fool card, or the Emperor). The card is great because it implies the death of bad habits, such as putting cigarettes out on your plate after dinner, or throwing pennies in the garbage because they annoy you. I appreciate when I see this card in a spread, because I know that it means someday I will stop obsessively cleaning my ears with q-tips.

TEMPERANCE

Temperance is all about calming down, not running around like a crazy person. Serenity. Inner peace. I think whoever invented the tarot felt pressure from their girlfriend to put something tame and un-scary in between Death and The Devil. When I get this card in a spread I try and ignore the ‘ance’ part of temperance and focus on the ‘temper’ part, because what’s healthier: a fiery temper that compels you to throw your pint glass in a crowded bar at a girl that might be talking to your man or taking it easy? I think my Grandmother said it best “Take it easy? How bout ‘make it sleazy!”. Well said, Grandma.

THE DEVIL

Most are familiar with this card - horned winged creature with hoofs.. It would appear that the Devil has gotten the lovers from the Lovers card, chained them together, and now they are his slaves. Well that’s just not true. I think this “Devil” is a match-making goat angel, and he has just hooked up two lonely people. This card is badly misinterpreted. In fact, I secretly hide extra copies of the Devil into my decks when I do readings, that’s how much I love this card. I met my boyfriend through this card!

THE TOWER

This one is pretty bad looking and it is unfortunately accurate. It shows a tower cracked by a thunderbolt, exploding into flames, some poor person being jettisoned out the tower window. If you get this card stay away from towers and thunderstorms. But the sad reality is that despite avoiding those things you will plummet from an exploding tower either way.

To Be Continued...

SUMMER READING LIST!

Well he won't, but I will! Here's some great summer reading, straight from the 'New York Tymes' bestseller list that I write down each week on the back of take-out menus. Don't forget: reading is fundamental and books will never be replaced, especially not with digital devices that you can store 1,000 of titles in and you can download directly from your amazon account.

Let's begin with a couple of my go-to beach reads. Words that come to mind- "Proustian", "Dickensian" and "Dostoevskyian" and "Grisham-y".

(This book was so informative and entertaining. Not only did I learn that Eskimo's have 1,000000000 different words for snow, but they also dress like psychedelic wizards and want to invade America. Nice.)


The following are books that I recently acquired from a quaint little stoop bookstore (free of charge if you can believe that!). I am also now the proud owner of a broken printer and a size 11 men's sneaker. But enough bragging about my windfall. On to the literature.
Question: Who would YOU rather go to if you had a life-threatening gunshot wound to the face that required immediate medical attention? Me? I choose...

This guy.

And this place



We can't have a blog about summer reading without including 'chick-lit', and here's one of my favorite romance novels. Just imagine "The Notebook" if there were cartoon boobs on every 2nd page.

Another classic... brings to mind "Wuthering Heights". And Chapter 5 of "The Notebook" ( Pagan Lesbian Orgy)

If you've never read "The Notebook" just read this. It's pretty much exactly the same book.

2 MUST READS! As a professional surgeon, I know pretty much everything about blood. This book was a major wake-up call.

And as a professional Christian, I find Satan to be off-putting. That said, this book changed my life ( I haven't read it but the cover picture speaks a thousand words that I haven't read).

I've always felt like the word "Caviar" sounds like an expression aliens would use, right before taking over our planet on account of our primitive "Primal Urges".

More educational reading...

-It's not just for gingers. Also for people with freckles

What? They are like, 80,000 miles from heaven! LOL! This book is hilariously, woefully, tragically ignorant. I suggest reading "Space Hospital" instead. Amen.

TO BE CONTINUED...

"MASQUE OF THE ORANGE DEATH"

Photo by Alyssa Lou

Illustration by Patrick McQuade

The "Orange Death" had long devastated New Jersey. No pestilence had ever been so fatal, or so hideous. Bronzer was it's avatar and it's seal --the copper-colored horror and the Oompah Loompah complexion. There were sharp pains, and sudden drunkenness, and then profuse vomiting at the mouth, with dissolution of jello shots. The bronze stains upon the body and especially upon the fake boobs and abs of the victim, were the pest ban yet elicited fist-pumps of admiration from his fellow-men.. And the whole seizure, progress and termination of the disease, were the incidents of half an hour. Or 45- minutes, sans commercial interruption.

Tanning beds were dismantled. But the Prince Prospero was idiotic and clueless and retarded. When his dominions were half depopulated, he summoned to his presence a thousand hale and hearty friends, from among the juice heads and “DTF”s of his court, and with these he retired to the deep seclusion of one of his castellated hot-tubs. This was an extensive and herpes-ridden structure, the creation of the prince's own tacky yet cheesy taste. The wall surrounding the castle had gates of iron to keep out the grenades, and a glorious Italian American flag flew above the tower. The external world could take care of itself. In the meantime it was folly to grieve, or to think thoughts with your brain, or learn how to speak English.

The prince had provided all the appliances of pleasure. There were Situations, there was Gym Tan Laundry, there was house music, there were theme songs (Mista Encore, ‘Get Crazy’), there was J-Woww, there was Ron-Ron juice. There was surf and turf night. All these and the Orange death were within. Without was the "Red Death." (AKA Angelina tampon). *

* Portions of this have been borrowed directly from Edgar Allen Poe's story "Mask of the Red Death"

FOOD BLOG 2 - THE SEQUEL

George “Carpacchio” Huevas was the leader of our gang. He always had been, always would be. But we decided to kill him off that cold November night when he stood up and announced “Amish Chickens are out. I don’t give a fuck how good they taste”.

"English light bulb- heathens love our chickens"

Caddy Colllins ended up blowing George's brains out with a cattle prod ala ‘No Country for the Elderly” (Caddy’s an emotional guy and hadn’t taken his meds or eaten a Belgium waffle in 6 hours). Another terrible thing that happened that night was the pressure cooker exploding just when Telly “Telli” Savalas was completing his Jenga tower. Telly’s old lady, this gal Marla, tried cleaning up the pot roast but our paper towels were woefully un-absorbent. What the fuck! We had a job to do goddammit; bury George's body underneath a chicken coop. That was our 'havin a laugh' (It's a British thing.). Don’t get me wrong, we missed the guy. We missed his funny ways, like the white pizza...

What the fuck?

We didn't even mind how he only shaved on half of his face. He was an existential kind of guy, always saying deep things like “We will all be dead someday, when we get killed”. Or “Babies are dead angels. It's science”. Or “Eventually everybody in this room is going to heaven or hell. You, you, you and you: hell. And you (me)".

He was a philanthropist and a true animal lover. God Bless him.

Anyway, we knew this fellow Orlando Gettysburg who was a bootlegger. His specialty was imported cheese, and we had a shipment arriving in 2 days. Unfortunately we had eaten a lot of Amish Turkey the night before he supposed to arrive, and the tryptophan made us sleepy. The turkey also made us feel like it was thanksgiving so we drank 10 bottles of Jack Daniels even though our family weren't even there. We overslept the cheese delivery. It ended up floating in the sea, just like the opening of that show “Boardwalk Empire”.

Cheese entering the sea from land along the Pacific Coast. As a consequence, the surface water contains 6 times more cheese than plankton bio-mass.

It was devastating. Worse than the BP oil spill only worser. Luckily, we had help. The "Boardwalk Empire" theme continued. No, Steve Buscemi wasn't there. But luckily our friend Steve 'Bussemi' was. He jumped around a lot and gave us some nutrient-rich Pez.

(Steve Buscemi-Steve Bussemmi) Almost identical twins! Right down to the period costume.

We skyped Orlando and said “get us some fuckin' string cheese...anything! We're goners if we don't deliver these goods to the Bundy Brothers.” Orlando was deaf, unfortunately, and all he saw on his Skype window was me and Telly eating Kettle Korn and motioning frantically to a picture of Jenna Jameson.

Our message didn't get through to him at all. We just felt she should put on some weight. And Kettle Korn not only does that but may, just may, stop people from making facial expressions like the one above.

Finally Orlando arrived at our secret meeting place. The merchandise was shit! Melted brie, Swiss cheese with NO HOLES and a bottle of blue cheese dressing."Thanks to you, we're dead men”, we said. He couldn't hear us but later on Steve Bussemi told us he sign languaged “Go fuck your cheese, cheese-hole fuckers”. We would never do sex with cheese! And vice versa. Grilled cheese maybe, but only on vacation.

Orlando 'hand-talking' to us. Were pretty certain he said "I'm sorry I accused you of fucking cheese."

Just then, the Bundy Brothers arrived. They were armed with 12 barrel shotguns, 20 millimeter rifles, and 12 ounce pistols. Death was close, so we asked if we could each partake of the McRib we had bought earlier in the day. The Bundy brothers said “McRibs... Limited time only, just like your life... on account of you dying soon... because were gonna kill you dead with guns and stuff of that nature...” (Editors note: They said something cooler than that). We each ate a bite, stymied by our insight that the McRib would only be available for couple more months anyway. It was a sweet small respite; the knowledge that even though we were about to be bullet-ridden to death the rest of the world would soon be collectively McCock-blocked.

Then something miraculous happened. Marla came barreling through the gates in her tricked out Cheverlet Aveo. She killed the Bundy brothers using a hand grenade and her hand with a knife in it. She was holding a Chik-fil-a sandwich with her other hand the whole time!

We decided she was ambidextrous. We all could have done the same thing, but were pretty much all heterosexual (except for Steve Bussemi). It was a damn shame, but nobody's perfect. (Marla couldn't even make a proper Stovetop Stuffing). In the end, we had to admit that Marla saved the day, even after we killed her old man. As George would have existentially said “There’s a time to live and a time to die. Man can't choose his fate but destiny is in the eye of the tornado...Entenmann's cookies. Creamed spinach”. RIP.

HORROR MOVIE PITCH

An ancient curse is unleashed. (Maybe somebody opened a jar, or a book? Not a jar... a bottle. Not a genie bottle. Are you kidding?) Lets just say a book. The new Keith Richards biography. The curse causes the apocalypse, zombies run amok. Lucifer turns out to be a scientist making a cure for cancer but actually its a cancer recipe. There’s a baby that is born to an Alien serial killer but the baby turns out to be just a normal baby. Hades is played by Harry Dean Stanton, and there should be a painting that vomits blood. The whole movie is in claymation and the soundtrack will be by my niece playing a harpsichord with missing keys.