Friday, November 19, 2010


George “CarpacchioHuevas was the leader of our gang. He always had been, always would be. But we decided to kill him off that cold November night when he stood up and announced “Amish Chickens are out. I don’t give a fuck how good they taste”.

"English light bulb- heathens love our chickens"

Caddy Colllins ended up blowing George's brains out with a cattle prod ala ‘No Country for the Elderly” (Caddy’s an emotional guy and hadn’t taken his meds or eaten a Belgium waffle in 6 hours). Another terrible thing that happened that night was the pressure cooker exploding just when Telly “TelliSavalas was completing his Jenga tower. Telly’s old lady, this gal Marla, tried cleaning up the pot roast but our paper towels were woefully un-absorbent. What the fuck! We had a job to do goddammit; bury George's body underneath a chicken coop. That was our 'havin a laugh' (It's a British thing.). Don’t get me wrong, we missed the guy. We missed his funny ways, like the white pizza...

What the fuck?

We didn't even mind how he only shaved on half of his face. He was an existential kind of guy, always saying deep things like “We will all be dead someday, when we get killed”. Or “Babies are dead angels. It's science”. Or “Eventually everybody in this room is going to heaven or hell. You, you, you and you: hell. And you (me)".

He was a philanthropist and a true animal lover. God Bless him.

Anyway, we knew this fellow Orlando Gettysburg who was a bootlegger. His specialty was imported cheese, and we had a shipment arriving in 2 days. Unfortunately we had eaten a lot of Amish Turkey the night before he supposed to arrive, and the tryptophan made us sleepy. The turkey also made us feel like it was thanksgiving so we drank 10 bottles of Jack Daniels even though our family weren't even there. We overslept the cheese delivery. It ended up floating in the sea, just like the opening of that show “Boardwalk Empire”.

Cheese entering the sea from land along the Pacific Coast. As a consequence, the surface water contains 6 times more cheese than plankton bio-mass.

It was devastating. Worse than the BP oil spill only worser. Luckily, we had help. The "Boardwalk Empire" theme continued. No, Steve Buscemi wasn't there. But luckily our friend Steve 'Bussemi' was. He jumped around a lot and gave us some nutrient-rich Pez.

(Steve Buscemi-Steve Bussemmi) Almost identical twins! Right down to the period costume.

We skyped Orlando and said “get us some fuckin' string cheese...anything! We're goners if we don't deliver these goods to the Bundy Brothers.” Orlando was deaf, unfortunately, and all he saw on his Skype window was me and Telly eating Kettle Korn and motioning frantically to a picture of Jenna Jameson.

Our message didn't get through to him at all. We just felt she should put on some weight. And Kettle Korn not only does that but may, just may, stop people from making facial expressions like the one above.

Finally Orlando arrived at our secret meeting place. The merchandise was shit! Melted brie, Swiss cheese with NO HOLES and a bottle of blue cheese dressing."Thanks to you, we're dead men”, we said. He couldn't hear us but later on Steve Bussemi told us he sign languaged “Go fuck your cheese, cheese-hole fuckers”. We would never do sex with cheese! And vice versa. Grilled cheese maybe, but only on vacation.

Orlando 'hand-talking' to us. Were pretty certain he said "I'm sorry I accused you of fucking cheese."

Just then, the Bundy Brothers arrived. They were armed with 12 barrel shotguns, 20 millimeter rifles, and 12 ounce pistols. Death was close, so we asked if we could each partake of the McRib we had bought earlier in the day. The Bundy brothers said “McRibs... Limited time only, just like your life... on account of you dying soon... because were gonna kill you dead with guns and stuff of that nature...” (Editors note: They said something cooler than that). We each ate a bite, stymied by our insight that the McRib would only be available for couple more months anyway. It was a sweet small respite; the knowledge that even though we were about to be bullet-ridden to death the rest of the world would soon be collectively McCock-blocked.

Then something miraculous happened. Marla came barreling through the gates in her tricked out Cheverlet Aveo. She killed the Bundy brothers using a hand grenade and her hand with a knife in it. She was holding a Chik-fil-a sandwich with her other hand the whole time!

We decided she was ambidextrous. We all could have done the same thing, but were pretty much all heterosexual (except for Steve Bussemi). It was a damn shame, but nobody's perfect. (Marla couldn't even make a proper Stovetop Stuffing). In the end, we had to admit that Marla saved the day, even after we killed her old man. As George would have existentially said “There’s a time to live and a time to die. Man can't choose his fate but destiny is in the eye of the tornado...Entenmann's cookies. Creamed spinach”. RIP.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


An ancient curse is unleashed. (Maybe somebody opened a jar, or a book? Not a jar... a bottle. Not a genie bottle. Are you kidding?) Lets just say a book. The new Keith Richards biography. The curse causes the apocalypse, zombies run amok. Lucifer turns out to be a scientist making a cure for cancer but actually its a cancer recipe. There’s a baby that is born to an Alien serial killer but the baby turns out to be just a normal baby. Hades is played by Harry Dean Stanton, and there should be a painting that vomits blood. The whole movie is in claymation and the soundtrack will be by my niece playing a harpsichord with missing keys.

A Comprehensive Glossary Of Gifs

Thursday, April 29, 2010


Palmistry or 'chiromancy' (also spelled cheiromancy, Greek cheir (χειρ), “hand”; manteia (μαντεία), “molester”), is the art of characterization and foretelling the future through the study of the palm. (I sometimes refer to it as "Necromancy" because it reminds to re-watch the Evil Dead movies). The practice is found all over the world, with numerous cultural variations. Those who practice chiromancy are generally called palmists, palm readers, hand readers, hand analysts, wrinkle readers, hand fetishists, charlatans, and 'gypsies-that-curse-you-for-refusing-to-pay-them'.

Schedule a reading with my Mom- $50 for one palm, 25% off second palm. Complimentary cursing available on request.

The practice of palmistry is often regarded as a pseudoscience. Scientists and doctors alike are just jealous, because they can't diagnosis some body's brain tumor or a mystery man in your future without using a stethoscope or that headband with a mirror on it. Palmistry doesn't need these antiquated tools; all you have to do is look at the lines on your palm, and use my chart below to see whether your destiny is to be an unemployed mortician, married to a supermodel, and whether or not you will lose your leg* when you drive your Vespa through a department store window...

*You will. And then people will laugh at you for having a Vespa in the first place

There are many conflicting interpretations of various lines and features across various schools of palmistry. But take it from me and myself: these line interpretations are the real deal. Observe the picture below...during this particular reading I saw a plague of locusts and Purell Hand Sanitizer in his sharpie line. In other words, he was soon to be electrocuted in a freak "changing the lightbulb while standing in a bucket of water" accident.

During my palm readings I like to focus on the positive rather than the negative. What good is it to agonize over the fact that you will only live for another 2 months? Instead, the client should enjoy what the 2 months leading up to his/her tragic demise has to offer!

When this doesn't work and my client is still brooding about his short life-span, I administer some useful and uplifting advice to my client's doomed palm:

If the client is still complaining about his situation, then a palmist must resort to other measures. Be patient but firm when reasoning with him. Make it clear that your not his therapist, your simply his All-knowing and All-seeing Spiritual Oracle and you will not put up with his whining. Try using these flash cards:

Now, I have done readings for some very high profile people, but the rules of palmistry state that palmist-palm confidentiality is sacred. Therefore I will just show you facsimiles of my diverse clientele:

Did I mention I do animal paw readings? Contrary to "sciencism", animals are highly intelligent and lead extraordinary rich and complex emotional lives. Just the other day I was doing a reading for a squirrel. Her Ring of Axl Rose revealed a squirrel with unparalleled business savvy; on the downside, her divorce line indicated she was to be married and divorced 9 times. Instead of being discouraged over that unfortunate news, she took it extremely well. During our silent psychic dialogue and she told me "10th times the charm" and then offered me some walnuts/ Percocets.

Squirrel paw with formidable Wesley Snipe Phalance on the lumbar axis and her virtually immeasurable divorce line

The Elizabeth Taylor of squirrels

Next time we will examine 4 separate palm reading sessions that were applied "speed dating style" and explore Palm Pilot reading. I will also read my own palm, which many necromancers advise against but I encourage.

My hand (notice my prominent 'love line'?)

Monday, April 26, 2010

HOW TO BE A MORE PROLIFIC READER: Don't be illegiteratte! Read moore

Everyone’s always “I don’t have time to read anymore I’m just too busy blablabla”. Well, I have a busy life too. Really busy. And I still manage to read. How do I squeeze several of pages of literary gold into my week while balancing it with my hectic "staring at the ceiling for hours thinking about stuff" schedule? Try reading a paragraph of 10 books each days for ten days. Just try it! Unless you just want to remain an illegiteratte.

1) Start off the day with some life-affirming Raymond Carver:

"I told my wife I didn’t feel like going to the movies. I got a beer from the fridge. It was still warm but I drank it anyway. ‘We never go to the movies. Jesus Christ, we never do anything” my wife said. “What a life! Never thought I’d end up selling vacuums. I’m goin' to sleep.” she said. I started working on my clipper ship but then I decided to watch TV. I poured some scotch. After awhile I went upstairs and lay down next to my wife. She was breathing really loud. It wasn’t snoring exactly, but it bothered me. I looked at her face as she went to sleep. She looked old. The tv was still on in the other room but I watched her instead. She looked dead but I could tell she wasn’t. She kept breathing in that loud way. I stayed like that for awhile. Eventually I went to sleep."

2) Now move onto something more exciting- Pippi Longstocking.

"Tommy and Anika opened the fence and there was Pippi, standing on top of the largest garbage pile they’d ever seen.
Pippi! What are you gonna do now?” they cried.
Pippi did a back-flip somersault trapeze thing using a live telephone wire and landed in a cardboard box filled with used baby diapers.
“I’m a pirate, me lads! I’m off to the high seas once I get this vessel on the water”.
“But the tea party starts in half an hour!” Tommy exclaimed.
Pippi scoffed. “We can have a tea party right here! Hand me that broken bottle of gin” she told Anika. She poured sewage water into the bottle and poured it into a rusty tin can. Then Pippi found a hubcap and placed a blowtorch underneath it. “Now who wants tea and PANCAKES?”. Tommy and Anika clapped. Pippi's monkey unearthed a bag of white powder with a skull and crossbone on it.
“The police are coming Pippi!” Anika cried.
“They can’t catch me! I’m a fuckin pirate!”. And with that, Pipi snorted the powder and used to rest for instant pancake mix."

3) Try for some non-fiction at this point. I suggest: “Be the Pack Leader” by dog expert Cesar Millan.

“The word ‘terrier’ comes from the Latin “to terrorize”. I once had a client whose terrier dog who had the audacity to not cower when I made that sound with my mouth. I told the dog’s owner that this dog was mentally ill, but she continued to enable the dogs behavior and let her life be dictated by this tiny sociopath. I told her she would continue being a Gamma Pheta while the dog would rule her life by being a Delta Phi. We took ‘Noodles’ for a walk with my entourage of pit bulls and as usual they ran joyously behind me like I was their personal Hitler. I tried to explain that dogs need this kind obedience in their life but this woman thought of Noodle as a person and not as a slave. In cases like this, there is little I can do to solve behavioral issues. I gave her the number of a dog sanitarium and pleaded with her to institutionalize Noodles but her reply was “Will I get to visit him everyday?”.
It’s always disappointing to I hear this kind of thing from a seemingly intelligent and affectionate dog owner. Sadly, there is little hope she will never be a pack leader. Maybe if she ties a leash to a pack of cards she will have more success. Ahaahah!!!"

4) Let’s change it up and read some Dickens...

Bathsheba Satansworth took Pim Butterling to the Orphanage. “You shall stay here for 60 fortnights, and if you flee you shall be whipped within a inch of your life by my new suitor Mr. Gerrington Darvocet the 3rd!”. In with that, she slammed the oak door shut. Pim heard the sounds of many keys locking many locks, and many nails being pounded into boards over the locks. He stared at the wood etching of his beloved Nana Ms. Crumblycake Plumply . He cried himself to sleep by the light of a candle wick, sans the candle and the flame. For breakfast, black toast with moldy black cheese was slid under the door but it got stuck and he was unable to retrieve it. It was devoured by the house rat shortly thereafter. Pim’s tutor Mr. Gravestone Etchinton entered his room and announced that Pim’s schooling would begin; Chapters 5-1,000 in the 'Home For Doomed Children’s' Book of Psalms. “And if you shan’t finish it by noon expect lashes on your back that your dead Mother Mrs. Patience Pudding would have wept over would she were alive to see them!” He then laughed wickedly and aimed his pistol at Pim for making eye contact.

5) We should explore some contemporary fiction too. David Foster Wallace!

"C said Backerton I’m due on the court in 20 minutes . Pamela felt a secretarial-ish urged to rile C up and since the go-cart was designed to carry disc-jockeys to the lab via the President of inert Cranberry Farmer Dads* the him/her on it decided it was F.P.U.L.s* turn to animate realism."

307:*Cranberry Farmer Dad’s

Cranberry= Ocean Spray Cranberry juice. Good for urinary tract infections which Dad’s give their wives. AKA Urinary tract farmers. UTF. Not to be confused with the brilliant Weird Al Yankovich move ‘UHF’ directed by Jay Levey, Yankovich's then-manager, who also co-wrote the screenplay with him. It was produced by Cinecorp Productions in association with Yankovich and Levey's then production company, Imaginary Entertainment, and released by Orion Pictures Corporation.


Fabricated Peripheral Uganda Lair- The official term for government appointed tree house equipped with nitrous oxide tanks not to be confused with W.K.R.P radio station based out of Cincinnati.

Friday, April 16, 2010



Since July is right around the corner, today we bring you an exciting, fantastical and seemingly impossible story about the 4th of July. Historical significance? Maybe. Confusion over what month we are in? That's always a possibility. But perhaps the intention is more meaningful; perhaps it is here to instigate soul crushing self-esteem issues within the bureaucracy of Macy's Department Store, who recently fired a great man from his 10 year janitorial position for no apparent reason, other than discreetly pleasuring himself in the empty lingerie section of their racist store:

Jan Lowery Jr. (Name changed to protect anonymity)

To honor Jan's years of dedication and hard work and to counter-humiliate Macy's in the most effective way possible, we have employed the world-renowned historian John Lawry Sr. of Lawry's Seasoned Salt to educate us on the most mind-blowing 4th of July. EVER.

"July 4th 1923, marks the greatest day that man has ever seen or heard of and not a day has surpassed this day to be the greatest of all Fourth of July’s in the history of our great nation. This day was so grand and spectacular that it continues to be written about, painted and sculpted by the greatest artist’s and writers of each generation.

There is also another great painting, in the Hall of Justice, that depicts a twenty mile flag hand-sewn by Meg Terryweather for the occasion. It was rolled out during the rendition of 'God Bless America', which was recorded on audiovalve by Sir William Scottsley of Pennsylvania. On it, one can distinctly hear the 780,000 men and woman and children singing in perfect pitch. I believe the recording was once owned by the Kennedy family, but is most likely in the possession of the President of the United States at this very moment.

Now I must describe the fireworks. I’ve heard and seen them going off for such superficial events as birthday parties and weddings. Such traditions have become commonplace. But do not be confused when I tell you the fireworks on that day were the most BREATH-TAKING, SPLENDID, OUTRAGEOUS, SHOCKING sights humankind has ever seen or felt.

Try and imagine this...

With some of this stuff thrown in... just forget about those and look at this:

90,000 pounds of fireworks were brought in from Blaggstone, Virginia, home of the Lawry's Seasoned Salt factory. They started at 8pm, just as the sun set, and went on all night until daybreak. They were like angels and rainbows colliding in the sky and exploding! They were like stars blown into bits and pieces of star-diamonds that covered the sky until there was no night! They even created a special firework that went on for two hours. It started slowly, then bloomed into a purple flower, then changed into different shapes such as a horse, a boat, a gun shooting a man's face off. And there were people on the boat! Toasting with champagne glasses! Then it shifted into the profile of George Washington, and it was so life-like people truly believed there was a man of immense proportions, swooping down upon them, covered in twinkling iridescent fairy dust.

Put this head:

...on this guys body. Now pretend it's made out of fireworks.

I must go back to the food. Nowadays, potato salad with Lawry's seasoned salt and hot dogs seem to be the preferred menu. On this day they feasted upon goose and duck terrain, on caviar and oysters! 500 cattle were slaughtered, and a wild boar was skewered, roasted, and served wrapped in slices of beef tenderloin, with a cluster of its own intestines brined and spilling from it’s mouth, and truffled eggs in its eye sockets. Beautiful was this food, almost to pretty to eat! But eat it they did....with everything sprinkled and dusted and marinated in Lawry's seasoned salt, the recipe for which had been created specifically for this buffet.

For dessert there was a layered cake of red, white and blue, seventy feet high a which required a special ladder to get a slice. Hidden inside each slice of cake was a single gold coin commemorating the Fourth of July. Several of these coins can now be viewed at the Smithsonian, but only if accompanied by an armed guard.

We must not forget the majesty of the Proud Mary Cruise Ship floating down the East River. It was covered in lights and doing an amazing new maneuver called "Ship-Dancing" or "Ship-Dipping". Then they shot cannonballs of money from the ships mast , fifty dollar bills, I believe, and the money flew all over the harbor and people dove joyously into the water to retrieve it.

Imagine, thousands of men and women gathering fifty dollar bills swimming in a river while children laughed and clapped as 1 million balloons were let loose upon the winds. Soon after, a Zeppelin came floating through the sky, and zoomed straight through the fireworks!

And people began to parachute out of the Zeppelin! When the parachuters landed, they turned out to be the most popular celebrities of that day and age. Kipper Wentsworth, Lillian Cosgrove, Sir Arthur O’Brien Johnson, Nathan Lawry. And they all shook hands and hobnobbed with the common people. If memory serves, at one point P.T. Barnum's own Siberian tiger sauntered out of a cage. It had been trained to hold an eagle atop it’s head and dance around on its two hind legs in figure 8 circles.

(Actual photo available, but in this instance substitution photos felt more authentic)

Towards the wee hours of the morning, a dedication poem was read with dramatic solemnity by Edgar Allen Poe, accompanied by the appropriate marching band music."

Below is the poem “4th of July -” and an artist’s rendering of Poe:

Oh sweet departed! Our time was brief,
Our earthly union but an autumn leaf,
Blowing upwards forming covenant in the sky,
Why must I live, whilst you have die'!
Mortal, alone in this experiment,

With Demons shadowing the firmament,
Your beloved corpse lies low in cold dark earth

Might we meet again betwixt the after-birth,
Of this world and the next morbid pall?
Happy 4th of July to one and all!

"When he was finished, he announced it would be the last time he would read anything in public . And it was. (He died but 6 days later from the drink/opium/madness/rabies!). The crowd was so moved by Mr. Poe's words that they collectively wept tears of patriotism, which were then bottled, frozen and sculpted into a replica of the Statue of Liberty.

By morning, life went back to the trivial routines of that day and age (street-cleaning, chimney-sweeping, polio) but for the rest of that year and every Independence Day since, nothing has come even remotely close to repeating the festivities in quite such a way. Many have tried and many have failed. And will continue to fail. Miserably." - John Lawry Sr.

Poor kids came all the way from Boston to NYC

For this shit.