Thursday, April 29, 2010


Palmistry or 'chiromancy' (also spelled cheiromancy, Greek cheir (χειρ), “hand”; manteia (μαντεία), “molester”), is the art of characterization and foretelling the future through the study of the palm. (I sometimes refer to it as "Necromancy" because it reminds to re-watch the Evil Dead movies). The practice is found all over the world, with numerous cultural variations. Those who practice chiromancy are generally called palmists, palm readers, hand readers, hand analysts, wrinkle readers, hand fetishists, charlatans, and 'gypsies-that-curse-you-for-refusing-to-pay-them'.

Schedule a reading with my Mom- $50 for one palm, 25% off second palm. Complimentary cursing available on request.

The practice of palmistry is often regarded as a pseudoscience. Scientists and doctors alike are just jealous, because they can't diagnosis some body's brain tumor or a mystery man in your future without using a stethoscope or that headband with a mirror on it. Palmistry doesn't need these antiquated tools; all you have to do is look at the lines on your palm, and use my chart below to see whether your destiny is to be an unemployed mortician, married to a supermodel, and whether or not you will lose your leg* when you drive your Vespa through a department store window...

*You will. And then people will laugh at you for having a Vespa in the first place

There are many conflicting interpretations of various lines and features across various schools of palmistry. But take it from me and myself: these line interpretations are the real deal. Observe the picture below...during this particular reading I saw a plague of locusts and Purell Hand Sanitizer in his sharpie line. In other words, he was soon to be electrocuted in a freak "changing the lightbulb while standing in a bucket of water" accident.

During my palm readings I like to focus on the positive rather than the negative. What good is it to agonize over the fact that you will only live for another 2 months? Instead, the client should enjoy what the 2 months leading up to his/her tragic demise has to offer!

When this doesn't work and my client is still brooding about his short life-span, I administer some useful and uplifting advice to my client's doomed palm:

If the client is still complaining about his situation, then a palmist must resort to other measures. Be patient but firm when reasoning with him. Make it clear that your not his therapist, your simply his All-knowing and All-seeing Spiritual Oracle and you will not put up with his whining. Try using these flash cards:

Now, I have done readings for some very high profile people, but the rules of palmistry state that palmist-palm confidentiality is sacred. Therefore I will just show you facsimiles of my diverse clientele:

Did I mention I do animal paw readings? Contrary to "sciencism", animals are highly intelligent and lead extraordinary rich and complex emotional lives. Just the other day I was doing a reading for a squirrel. Her Ring of Axl Rose revealed a squirrel with unparalleled business savvy; on the downside, her divorce line indicated she was to be married and divorced 9 times. Instead of being discouraged over that unfortunate news, she took it extremely well. During our silent psychic dialogue and she told me "10th times the charm" and then offered me some walnuts/ Percocets.

Squirrel paw with formidable Wesley Snipe Phalance on the lumbar axis and her virtually immeasurable divorce line

The Elizabeth Taylor of squirrels

Next time we will examine 4 separate palm reading sessions that were applied "speed dating style" and explore Palm Pilot reading. I will also read my own palm, which many necromancers advise against but I encourage.

My hand (notice my prominent 'love line'?)


  1. Where are the credits to the photographers for the photos that you have stolen?

  2. Adds new meaning to the term "palm pilot"! Thanks for a kick ass article!

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