Thursday, April 8, 2010


For those of you unfamiliar with Blade, I am honored to acquaint you with one of the most awesomest of movies ever. I will introduce you to the most charismatic thespian/iconic black vampire since Eddie Murphy’s comedic tour de force as the Maximillian/PreacherPauly /Guido/ Fat Suited guy in “Vampire in Brooklyn”. But Blade is not a comedy. It’s a ‘dead’* serious introspection of what it means to be only a little vampire but not full on vampire, and the equal opportunity brand of vampire racism that goes along with having this affliction. (Editors note: I would go ‘batshit’** for this superhero power blood, even if it meant having to be a four eyes on account of the sunglasses thing. I wanna be part-dracula so bad I’d even go so far as to score V-juice from Lafayette Reynolds ).

*vampire pun #1
**vampire pun #2

So now that you get the gist of this cinematic masterpiece, let’s compare Andy Rooney’s sagacious 60 minute segment quotes with the ridiculously fucking awesome dialogue from Blade, and reveal how they are intrinsically harmonious. It’s like their the same guy! With some minor physical differences; Rooney is a pee-paw diaper vampire and Blade is a Taye Diggs vampire, with tribal tattoos. Speaking of which:

AR: "I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries."

Whistler: "You have to understand, they're everywhere. Chances are you seen 'em yourself, and didn't know it. On the subway or in a bar."

You can't escape them Andy.

(Vampire tattoos ARE political statements. Specifically the tattoo “VP” -Vampire Power. Tribal ones are irrelevant. But it’s the butterflies, unicorns and meaningless Chinese symbols that really catch vampire attention. When a vampire see’s a person with a butterfly tattoo they give each other each a knowing look do the secret vampire handshake).

AR: "Isn’t it odd that Sweetmeats are candy while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat?"

Blade (To Karen): "You better wake up. The world you live in is just a candy-coated topping... There is another world beneath it - the real world. And if you wanna survive it, you better learn to pull, the TRIGGER!"

Karen and her world

The World that's beneath Karen's World

I'm betting Andy would respond with this thought-fart:

AR:“Guns do not make you a killer. Killing makes you a killer. In his world, you can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game”. (In other words, him and Blade are on the the same page-

Andy perusing google image. Keywords: Blade, guns, tattoos, Wesley Snipes, naked

AR: 'Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys."

Blade: "Fuck me? No, you fuck this!" (draws gun)
Blade: "Mother fucker! Are you out of your damn mind?"
Blade: [Jumps from the top floor of the temple] "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

AR:“This catalogue has a gadget that lets you "Monitor The Weather From Your Own Backyard." Well, I do that all the time. I stick my hand out and if it gets wet, I know its raining.”

(Some people would prefer to know more than what the weather is currently doing...) Danny’s blog!.

Blade:(amused) "Sunblock".

Finally, In this choice exchange, the dialogue between Blade and Rooney reveals their inate reciprocity.

AR:"I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting."

Blade: "The Spirits of the Twelve will awaken La Magra."

Next time we will delve more into the cast of Blade’s supporting actors. Specifically the gruff sensuality of Kris Kristofferson...

the douchebaggery of Stephen Dorff...

....and 60 more minutes of mystical curmudgeon-osity from Andy Rooney.

To be continued...

In the meantime, you could watch this... if you have any self-respect at all, you'll do it. And visit my Blade memorabilia Ebay store.


  1. I need to watch Blade again now.

  2. GO BROOK...!
    I've been informed I misquoted some dialogue from Blade. "The world you live in is just a SUGAR-coated topping". Which is actually even funnier than 'candy coated topping' but would have ruled out the sexy M&M lady as visual.