Thursday, April 29, 2010


Palmistry or 'chiromancy' (also spelled cheiromancy, Greek cheir (χειρ), “hand”; manteia (μαντεία), “molester”), is the art of characterization and foretelling the future through the study of the palm. (I sometimes refer to it as "Necromancy" because it reminds to re-watch the Evil Dead movies). The practice is found all over the world, with numerous cultural variations. Those who practice chiromancy are generally called palmists, palm readers, hand readers, hand analysts, wrinkle readers, hand fetishists, charlatans, and 'gypsies-that-curse-you-for-refusing-to-pay-them'.

Schedule a reading with my Mom- $50 for one palm, 25% off second palm. Complimentary cursing available on request.

The practice of palmistry is often regarded as a pseudoscience. Scientists and doctors alike are just jealous, because they can't diagnosis some body's brain tumor or a mystery man in your future without using a stethoscope or that headband with a mirror on it. Palmistry doesn't need these antiquated tools; all you have to do is look at the lines on your palm, and use my chart below to see whether your destiny is to be an unemployed mortician, married to a supermodel, and whether or not you will lose your leg* when you drive your Vespa through a department store window...

*You will. And then people will laugh at you for having a Vespa in the first place

There are many conflicting interpretations of various lines and features across various schools of palmistry. But take it from me and myself: these line interpretations are the real deal. Observe the picture below...during this particular reading I saw a plague of locusts and Purell Hand Sanitizer in his sharpie line. In other words, he was soon to be electrocuted in a freak "changing the lightbulb while standing in a bucket of water" accident.

During my palm readings I like to focus on the positive rather than the negative. What good is it to agonize over the fact that you will only live for another 2 months? Instead, the client should enjoy what the 2 months leading up to his/her tragic demise has to offer!

When this doesn't work and my client is still brooding about his short life-span, I administer some useful and uplifting advice to my client's doomed palm:

If the client is still complaining about his situation, then a palmist must resort to other measures. Be patient but firm when reasoning with him. Make it clear that your not his therapist, your simply his All-knowing and All-seeing Spiritual Oracle and you will not put up with his whining. Try using these flash cards:

Now, I have done readings for some very high profile people, but the rules of palmistry state that palmist-palm confidentiality is sacred. Therefore I will just show you facsimiles of my diverse clientele:

Did I mention I do animal paw readings? Contrary to "sciencism", animals are highly intelligent and lead extraordinary rich and complex emotional lives. Just the other day I was doing a reading for a squirrel. Her Ring of Axl Rose revealed a squirrel with unparalleled business savvy; on the downside, her divorce line indicated she was to be married and divorced 9 times. Instead of being discouraged over that unfortunate news, she took it extremely well. During our silent psychic dialogue and she told me "10th times the charm" and then offered me some walnuts/ Percocets.

Squirrel paw with formidable Wesley Snipe Phalance on the lumbar axis and her virtually immeasurable divorce line

The Elizabeth Taylor of squirrels

Next time we will examine 4 separate palm reading sessions that were applied "speed dating style" and explore Palm Pilot reading. I will also read my own palm, which many necromancers advise against but I encourage.

My hand (notice my prominent 'love line'?)

Monday, April 26, 2010

HOW TO BE A MORE PROLIFIC READER: Don't be illegiteratte! Read moore

Everyone’s always “I don’t have time to read anymore I’m just too busy blablabla”. Well, I have a busy life too. Really busy. And I still manage to read. How do I squeeze several of pages of literary gold into my week while balancing it with my hectic "staring at the ceiling for hours thinking about stuff" schedule? Try reading a paragraph of 10 books each days for ten days. Just try it! Unless you just want to remain an illegiteratte.

1) Start off the day with some life-affirming Raymond Carver:

"I told my wife I didn’t feel like going to the movies. I got a beer from the fridge. It was still warm but I drank it anyway. ‘We never go to the movies. Jesus Christ, we never do anything” my wife said. “What a life! Never thought I’d end up selling vacuums. I’m goin' to sleep.” she said. I started working on my clipper ship but then I decided to watch TV. I poured some scotch. After awhile I went upstairs and lay down next to my wife. She was breathing really loud. It wasn’t snoring exactly, but it bothered me. I looked at her face as she went to sleep. She looked old. The tv was still on in the other room but I watched her instead. She looked dead but I could tell she wasn’t. She kept breathing in that loud way. I stayed like that for awhile. Eventually I went to sleep."

2) Now move onto something more exciting- Pippi Longstocking.

"Tommy and Anika opened the fence and there was Pippi, standing on top of the largest garbage pile they’d ever seen.
Pippi! What are you gonna do now?” they cried.
Pippi did a back-flip somersault trapeze thing using a live telephone wire and landed in a cardboard box filled with used baby diapers.
“I’m a pirate, me lads! I’m off to the high seas once I get this vessel on the water”.
“But the tea party starts in half an hour!” Tommy exclaimed.
Pippi scoffed. “We can have a tea party right here! Hand me that broken bottle of gin” she told Anika. She poured sewage water into the bottle and poured it into a rusty tin can. Then Pippi found a hubcap and placed a blowtorch underneath it. “Now who wants tea and PANCAKES?”. Tommy and Anika clapped. Pippi's monkey unearthed a bag of white powder with a skull and crossbone on it.
“The police are coming Pippi!” Anika cried.
“They can’t catch me! I’m a fuckin pirate!”. And with that, Pipi snorted the powder and used to rest for instant pancake mix."

3) Try for some non-fiction at this point. I suggest: “Be the Pack Leader” by dog expert Cesar Millan.

“The word ‘terrier’ comes from the Latin “to terrorize”. I once had a client whose terrier dog who had the audacity to not cower when I made that sound with my mouth. I told the dog’s owner that this dog was mentally ill, but she continued to enable the dogs behavior and let her life be dictated by this tiny sociopath. I told her she would continue being a Gamma Pheta while the dog would rule her life by being a Delta Phi. We took ‘Noodles’ for a walk with my entourage of pit bulls and as usual they ran joyously behind me like I was their personal Hitler. I tried to explain that dogs need this kind obedience in their life but this woman thought of Noodle as a person and not as a slave. In cases like this, there is little I can do to solve behavioral issues. I gave her the number of a dog sanitarium and pleaded with her to institutionalize Noodles but her reply was “Will I get to visit him everyday?”.
It’s always disappointing to I hear this kind of thing from a seemingly intelligent and affectionate dog owner. Sadly, there is little hope she will never be a pack leader. Maybe if she ties a leash to a pack of cards she will have more success. Ahaahah!!!"

4) Let’s change it up and read some Dickens...

Bathsheba Satansworth took Pim Butterling to the Orphanage. “You shall stay here for 60 fortnights, and if you flee you shall be whipped within a inch of your life by my new suitor Mr. Gerrington Darvocet the 3rd!”. In with that, she slammed the oak door shut. Pim heard the sounds of many keys locking many locks, and many nails being pounded into boards over the locks. He stared at the wood etching of his beloved Nana Ms. Crumblycake Plumply . He cried himself to sleep by the light of a candle wick, sans the candle and the flame. For breakfast, black toast with moldy black cheese was slid under the door but it got stuck and he was unable to retrieve it. It was devoured by the house rat shortly thereafter. Pim’s tutor Mr. Gravestone Etchinton entered his room and announced that Pim’s schooling would begin; Chapters 5-1,000 in the 'Home For Doomed Children’s' Book of Psalms. “And if you shan’t finish it by noon expect lashes on your back that your dead Mother Mrs. Patience Pudding would have wept over would she were alive to see them!” He then laughed wickedly and aimed his pistol at Pim for making eye contact.

5) We should explore some contemporary fiction too. David Foster Wallace!

"C said Backerton I’m due on the court in 20 minutes . Pamela felt a secretarial-ish urged to rile C up and since the go-cart was designed to carry disc-jockeys to the lab via the President of inert Cranberry Farmer Dads* the him/her on it decided it was F.P.U.L.s* turn to animate realism."

307:*Cranberry Farmer Dad’s

Cranberry= Ocean Spray Cranberry juice. Good for urinary tract infections which Dad’s give their wives. AKA Urinary tract farmers. UTF. Not to be confused with the brilliant Weird Al Yankovich move ‘UHF’ directed by Jay Levey, Yankovich's then-manager, who also co-wrote the screenplay with him. It was produced by Cinecorp Productions in association with Yankovich and Levey's then production company, Imaginary Entertainment, and released by Orion Pictures Corporation.


Fabricated Peripheral Uganda Lair- The official term for government appointed tree house equipped with nitrous oxide tanks not to be confused with W.K.R.P radio station based out of Cincinnati.

Friday, April 16, 2010



Since July is right around the corner, today we bring you an exciting, fantastical and seemingly impossible story about the 4th of July. Historical significance? Maybe. Confusion over what month we are in? That's always a possibility. But perhaps the intention is more meaningful; perhaps it is here to instigate soul crushing self-esteem issues within the bureaucracy of Macy's Department Store, who recently fired a great man from his 10 year janitorial position for no apparent reason, other than discreetly pleasuring himself in the empty lingerie section of their racist store:

Jan Lowery Jr. (Name changed to protect anonymity)

To honor Jan's years of dedication and hard work and to counter-humiliate Macy's in the most effective way possible, we have employed the world-renowned historian John Lawry Sr. of Lawry's Seasoned Salt to educate us on the most mind-blowing 4th of July. EVER.

"July 4th 1923, marks the greatest day that man has ever seen or heard of and not a day has surpassed this day to be the greatest of all Fourth of July’s in the history of our great nation. This day was so grand and spectacular that it continues to be written about, painted and sculpted by the greatest artist’s and writers of each generation.

There is also another great painting, in the Hall of Justice, that depicts a twenty mile flag hand-sewn by Meg Terryweather for the occasion. It was rolled out during the rendition of 'God Bless America', which was recorded on audiovalve by Sir William Scottsley of Pennsylvania. On it, one can distinctly hear the 780,000 men and woman and children singing in perfect pitch. I believe the recording was once owned by the Kennedy family, but is most likely in the possession of the President of the United States at this very moment.

Now I must describe the fireworks. I’ve heard and seen them going off for such superficial events as birthday parties and weddings. Such traditions have become commonplace. But do not be confused when I tell you the fireworks on that day were the most BREATH-TAKING, SPLENDID, OUTRAGEOUS, SHOCKING sights humankind has ever seen or felt.

Try and imagine this...

With some of this stuff thrown in... just forget about those and look at this:

90,000 pounds of fireworks were brought in from Blaggstone, Virginia, home of the Lawry's Seasoned Salt factory. They started at 8pm, just as the sun set, and went on all night until daybreak. They were like angels and rainbows colliding in the sky and exploding! They were like stars blown into bits and pieces of star-diamonds that covered the sky until there was no night! They even created a special firework that went on for two hours. It started slowly, then bloomed into a purple flower, then changed into different shapes such as a horse, a boat, a gun shooting a man's face off. And there were people on the boat! Toasting with champagne glasses! Then it shifted into the profile of George Washington, and it was so life-like people truly believed there was a man of immense proportions, swooping down upon them, covered in twinkling iridescent fairy dust.

Put this head:

...on this guys body. Now pretend it's made out of fireworks.

I must go back to the food. Nowadays, potato salad with Lawry's seasoned salt and hot dogs seem to be the preferred menu. On this day they feasted upon goose and duck terrain, on caviar and oysters! 500 cattle were slaughtered, and a wild boar was skewered, roasted, and served wrapped in slices of beef tenderloin, with a cluster of its own intestines brined and spilling from it’s mouth, and truffled eggs in its eye sockets. Beautiful was this food, almost to pretty to eat! But eat it they did....with everything sprinkled and dusted and marinated in Lawry's seasoned salt, the recipe for which had been created specifically for this buffet.

For dessert there was a layered cake of red, white and blue, seventy feet high a which required a special ladder to get a slice. Hidden inside each slice of cake was a single gold coin commemorating the Fourth of July. Several of these coins can now be viewed at the Smithsonian, but only if accompanied by an armed guard.

We must not forget the majesty of the Proud Mary Cruise Ship floating down the East River. It was covered in lights and doing an amazing new maneuver called "Ship-Dancing" or "Ship-Dipping". Then they shot cannonballs of money from the ships mast , fifty dollar bills, I believe, and the money flew all over the harbor and people dove joyously into the water to retrieve it.

Imagine, thousands of men and women gathering fifty dollar bills swimming in a river while children laughed and clapped as 1 million balloons were let loose upon the winds. Soon after, a Zeppelin came floating through the sky, and zoomed straight through the fireworks!

And people began to parachute out of the Zeppelin! When the parachuters landed, they turned out to be the most popular celebrities of that day and age. Kipper Wentsworth, Lillian Cosgrove, Sir Arthur O’Brien Johnson, Nathan Lawry. And they all shook hands and hobnobbed with the common people. If memory serves, at one point P.T. Barnum's own Siberian tiger sauntered out of a cage. It had been trained to hold an eagle atop it’s head and dance around on its two hind legs in figure 8 circles.

(Actual photo available, but in this instance substitution photos felt more authentic)

Towards the wee hours of the morning, a dedication poem was read with dramatic solemnity by Edgar Allen Poe, accompanied by the appropriate marching band music."

Below is the poem “4th of July -” and an artist’s rendering of Poe:

Oh sweet departed! Our time was brief,
Our earthly union but an autumn leaf,
Blowing upwards forming covenant in the sky,
Why must I live, whilst you have die'!
Mortal, alone in this experiment,

With Demons shadowing the firmament,
Your beloved corpse lies low in cold dark earth

Might we meet again betwixt the after-birth,
Of this world and the next morbid pall?
Happy 4th of July to one and all!

"When he was finished, he announced it would be the last time he would read anything in public . And it was. (He died but 6 days later from the drink/opium/madness/rabies!). The crowd was so moved by Mr. Poe's words that they collectively wept tears of patriotism, which were then bottled, frozen and sculpted into a replica of the Statue of Liberty.

By morning, life went back to the trivial routines of that day and age (street-cleaning, chimney-sweeping, polio) but for the rest of that year and every Independence Day since, nothing has come even remotely close to repeating the festivities in quite such a way. Many have tried and many have failed. And will continue to fail. Miserably." - John Lawry Sr.

Poor kids came all the way from Boston to NYC

For this shit.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


For those of you unfamiliar with Blade, I am honored to acquaint you with one of the most awesomest of movies ever. I will introduce you to the most charismatic thespian/iconic black vampire since Eddie Murphy’s comedic tour de force as the Maximillian/PreacherPauly /Guido/ Fat Suited guy in “Vampire in Brooklyn”. But Blade is not a comedy. It’s a ‘dead’* serious introspection of what it means to be only a little vampire but not full on vampire, and the equal opportunity brand of vampire racism that goes along with having this affliction. (Editors note: I would go ‘batshit’** for this superhero power blood, even if it meant having to be a four eyes on account of the sunglasses thing. I wanna be part-dracula so bad I’d even go so far as to score V-juice from Lafayette Reynolds ).

*vampire pun #1
**vampire pun #2

So now that you get the gist of this cinematic masterpiece, let’s compare Andy Rooney’s sagacious 60 minute segment quotes with the ridiculously fucking awesome dialogue from Blade, and reveal how they are intrinsically harmonious. It’s like their the same guy! With some minor physical differences; Rooney is a pee-paw diaper vampire and Blade is a Taye Diggs vampire, with tribal tattoos. Speaking of which:

AR: "I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries."

Whistler: "You have to understand, they're everywhere. Chances are you seen 'em yourself, and didn't know it. On the subway or in a bar."

You can't escape them Andy.

(Vampire tattoos ARE political statements. Specifically the tattoo “VP” -Vampire Power. Tribal ones are irrelevant. But it’s the butterflies, unicorns and meaningless Chinese symbols that really catch vampire attention. When a vampire see’s a person with a butterfly tattoo they give each other each a knowing look do the secret vampire handshake).

AR: "Isn’t it odd that Sweetmeats are candy while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat?"

Blade (To Karen): "You better wake up. The world you live in is just a candy-coated topping... There is another world beneath it - the real world. And if you wanna survive it, you better learn to pull, the TRIGGER!"

Karen and her world

The World that's beneath Karen's World

I'm betting Andy would respond with this thought-fart:

AR:“Guns do not make you a killer. Killing makes you a killer. In his world, you can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game”. (In other words, him and Blade are on the the same page-

Andy perusing google image. Keywords: Blade, guns, tattoos, Wesley Snipes, naked

AR: 'Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys."

Blade: "Fuck me? No, you fuck this!" (draws gun)
Blade: "Mother fucker! Are you out of your damn mind?"
Blade: [Jumps from the top floor of the temple] "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

AR:“This catalogue has a gadget that lets you "Monitor The Weather From Your Own Backyard." Well, I do that all the time. I stick my hand out and if it gets wet, I know its raining.”

(Some people would prefer to know more than what the weather is currently doing...) Danny’s blog!.

Blade:(amused) "Sunblock".

Finally, In this choice exchange, the dialogue between Blade and Rooney reveals their inate reciprocity.

AR:"I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting."

Blade: "The Spirits of the Twelve will awaken La Magra."

Next time we will delve more into the cast of Blade’s supporting actors. Specifically the gruff sensuality of Kris Kristofferson...

the douchebaggery of Stephen Dorff...

....and 60 more minutes of mystical curmudgeon-osity from Andy Rooney.

To be continued...

In the meantime, you could watch this... if you have any self-respect at all, you'll do it. And visit my Blade memorabilia Ebay store.