THE HISTORY OF SING-PAI-DEK or as he came to be known, ORACULUS

Little is known of the ancient philosopher Sing-Pai-Dek (Oraculus).The following information was found inside a ceramic box in a temple located on the mountain range near Kang-Bo. Five scrolls were discovered inside the box which corresponded with the Masters lifetime, who is believed to have lived in the era of Emperor Cheng-Buk 5000 B.C. A tattered robe was found in the box as well, which for many years was believed to have been worn by Sing-Pai-Dek which he left when he ascended to his Kingdom in the Clouds.

So it was written by Sing-Pai-Dek enthusiast Arthur Kingsberry in 2000, “And then he removed his tattered robe and threw it in the box, for earthly pleasures such as clothing were no longer of interest to him”. The robe has since been dated back to 1981, but Kingsberry’s explanation still holds some validity, particularly with his Mother and several close friends.

A rare photo of Kingsberry modelling the sacred ensemble

And so follows the miraculous but short history of Oraculus, a man who preceded Confucius, Jesus, Buddha, and Sophocles. A man who, some say, was more enlightened than all of the former put together...

4899 B.C. - Sing-Pai is born to the Dek Family. His Mother, Yeng-Pai, immediately put’s him to work in the rice fields and the future philosopher let loose his grand wisdom at age six months, “Jay-yung tsang deng-wai”, or in english, “Rice field. Hard work for baby.” His Father quickly runs home and writes down his son’s first words, then hurries back to the field to throttle him. Today it is considered one of Sing-Pai’s most logical quotations.

"Someday I will get back at my parents for forcing me into child labor, utilizing a passive aggressive form of Zen Haikus."

4938 B.C. - Little is known of Sing Pai from age six months to 39, when he made his great pilgrimage to Zhengshui, and called to Emperor Cheng-Buk from the grand courtyard. It is here that he spouted the following mystical observations, prompting he Emperor to come listen from his steam bath:

“Bird flies north. Lilies float in pond.”

“One hand holding another hand leads to two hands holding."

“Gold is a diversion of the eye. Money is wonderful.”

Wait, there's more:

“Poor of heart and dirty of face. Lily floating in pond.”
“If all enemy is friend, then my friend is enemy. Bird... Flying North.”

This last line enraged the emperor, who believed Sing-Pai to be accusing him of tyranny due to his proximity with northern locations.

Cheng-Buk, enraged

He called for the public beheading of Sing-Pai for the following day. While in prison, Sing-Pai wrote down the following tablet:

“Cold walls. No food. Fun is everywhere!”

When the Emperor saw what Sing-Pai had written, he could not believe what his eyes were reading. He had a change of heart and had Sing Pai locked up in an even smaller dungeon, to see what he would write under more extreme conditions.

Unfortunately, Sing-Pei's incessant Matsui chant"Godzilla-Godzilla-Godzilla-Ommmmm...godzilla" increased inmate aggression.

"None of you Red Sox fans seem to understand. I'm not locked in here with you...you're locked in here with *ME*!"

4489 B.C.: Sing Pai remains in prison, but is not beheaded for the Emperor finds his observations spiritually significant. Specifically after hearing what is considered Sing Pai’s famously poignant and un-lucid saying to date:

“Cherry blossom floating in air. I am beheaded soon. I am full of cherry blossom!”

Emperor Cheng-Buk dies of a weight-related heart attack soon after. He is succeeded by his son, Deng-Buk, who does not share his Father’s spiritual enthuisasm. Sing Pei is exiled to he mountains of Vong-Kei-Pao.

Monument of Cheng-Buk. (Note the Buddha-like morbid obesity.)

4569 B.B.: After years in exile, Sing Pai climbs further up Vong-Kai-Pao with a rice sack and writing parchments. At the top of the mountain’s highest peak he let’s loose the rice sack and quotations. It is said that he does this to “Rid himself of wisdom”, and while most of the writings ended up in a Langberrry tree located several feet away, several of them reach as far as Indonesia, most notably the “Hummingbird humming” sequence:

“Head full of sound.. Hummingbird humming. Forever”
“Sun on my face. Sleep is nice. No more humming. ”
“Hummingbird back. Listen. Listen. War inevitable.”
“Sweet silence. Sheep grazing. Peace inside.”

One can only imagine what this hummingbird represented to Sing-Pai. One explanation identifies it as a metaphor for the war that was going on below his mountain exile between Malaysia and India. It is highly probable that Sing-Pai heard the war cries of his brothers, and the eventual ceasefire. That being said, the accepted opinion is that it probably was a real bird, one that irritated Sing-Pai in some way.

But who can know for certain? The other tablet floated down and was found two centuries later, by a peasant woman who could not read. She brought it to the current Emperor, where it in turn became immortalized as the “Sacred Wind Letter”.

“Wind blows one way. Wind blows other way. Hair in my Face.”
“Sky full of wind. Blows my rice away.”
“Suffering is illusion. Wind is real. It is everywhere.”

In this tablet Sing-Pai mentions suffering for the first time. Many scholars believe that his mountain exile was a geographically wind-prone location, and that Sing-Pai contemplated this daily, perhaps even hourly. And yet, The “Sacred Wind Letter” has four more lines where wind is not even mentioned:

“Freezing rain falling down. My robe is gone. So... Thankful?”
“Ant’s bite skin. Cricket shouts in ear. Harmony?”
“Pebbles in the rain-stream, make noise like cricket”.
“Cricket-ant. Must ascend to the heavens like wind and rain.”

It is here we see how completely content Sing-Pai is with his mountain, wind or no wind.

I hate it here but it's also kind of fun.

This exemplifies the core essence of his wisdom. He comes down from the mountain and is greeted by the currant Emperor, Leng-Bok, who has been a disciple of Sing-Pai since his childhood. Sing-Pai is revered by the people, and a monastery is built in his honor. Once he enters, he is never to re-emerge in public again. Over the years many become his devotees and he asks them henceforth to refer to him in the Latin vernacular ‘Oraculus’. No one is quite sure why but everybody just rolls with it. During the last years of his life takes a vow of silence, but does continue to write his tablets, two to 100 a day on an average basis.

“Time flying like a crow. Crow stops to eat worm. Time doesn’t eat worm”.
(Wise beyond his years, he was the first to point out that time flies).

“Cat stuck in cherry blossom tree. Lily floating in pond. Anger is happy!”

(Here again is the ‘Lily floating in pond’ reference. To Sing-Pai, this was the ultimate state of being; it represented the dissolution of anger and ultimately, intelligence itself. Hence the next line:)

“Rice bowl. Music monkey. Listen close!”

(This one has an urgent message: A bowl of rice, a monkey making sounds... We must listen to them both uniform diligence. Sing-Pei often told his disciples to listen to inanimate objects, which is why you could often point them out in public places even though they had no strict rules of wardrobe or hairstyles ).

“Silverfish in the lake."
(He seemed to have grown tired of the 'lily in pond' refrain and changed it up)
"Gold coin in the hand. Say yes to money!”

Sing-Pai loved money. He never actually bought anything in his life, but he thought it was beautiful to look at and the idea of it filled him with joy. He has many tablets about currency- three hundred and twenty-five, to be exact.

Sing Pei contemplating Powerball.

CLASSIC MOVIE REVIEWS

LAWRENCE OF ARABIA

Sir Peter O’Toole gets captured and then tortured in the desert. Other key events in this long movie are: the conquest of the Port of Aqaba, the fall of Damascus, Turks, Sheiks, burning matches that set the sun on fire. Lawrence is a cartographer, which is a person who is sexually attracted to maps. Lawrence is in love with his friend Sherif Ali so he is gay for men too, but sadly the homophobic Turks won't let them be in love. What else? It’s four hours long. Better to watch Clash of the Titans starring Sir Lawrence Olivier instead, because it’s shorter yet still explores all these same historical events and has Medusa, Calibus, the Kracken, and Pegasus (gay horse!). 1 star, for the exceptionally bloody massacre at Tafras.

"Is there no place where two men can roll around together on top of a sexy map in this homophobic desert?" "

"In MY movie you can get it on wherever you damned well please. I'll even place your mortal action figures smack down in the middle of the coliseum on my own sexy map."

BLADE RUNNER/ SCHINDLER'S LIST DOUBLE REVIEW

These movies are so similar that I created this review on dialogue alone. Compare this line from Blade Runner:
Taffey Lewis: “Hey Louie, the man is dry. Give him one one the house, OK?”
With this line from “Schindler’s List”:
Oscar Schindler: “Why do you drink that motor oil? I send you good stuff all the time. Let me get you some wine for the Sabbath”.
Blade runner...
Deckerd: “I have had people walk out on me before, but not when I was being so charming.”
Schindlers List...
Oscar Shindler:”I could try to read this, or I could eat my lunch while it's still hot.”

This badass saved many many Jewish people from the gas chambers by giving the SS chocolate bars. (He had some other tricks up his sleeve but the chocolate strategy is my personal favorite)

Maybe Schindler is more heroic, but Rutger Hauer is in Deckerd's movie

Both of these movies main characters are sassy detectives trying to overthrow apocalyptic tyrants. Blade Runner gets 4 stars and Schindler 3- one star off for not having Rutger Hauer in it. He was born to play a Nazi. Ralph Fiennes is Irish or something.

THE GODFATHER

This film is about a family of Mafiosos. The Godfather is a Marlon Brando, who in the movie is Don Corleone and head mafia man. Everybody constantly goes to him for favors. I completely relate to this. Sometimes I feel like everyone wants something from me and they are just lined up at my door, one, after another, after another. And I just want to push them over like dominoes and watch them all fall down, down down... and then I can just take a long bath and then dance around to my 2 favorite song ("Top of the World" by the Carpenters and "Colt 45" by Afroman). 2 chopped horse heads.

"Here's a quarter, go call someone who gives a fuck".

ON GOLDEN POND

This is good. I wish all the young people would go away in this so I could just watch Katherine Hepburn and Henry Fonda living in tranquil senility without that stupid kid. I want to live on Golden Pond. I love when Katherine Hepburn goes “Remember when we used to skinny dip?” and Henry Fonda is like, “What? I can’t hear you”. 5 stars!!! I can’t hear about skinny dipping either because I’m against it- it’s always cold and you can’t have proper sex in water.

TAXI DRIVER

This movie was like being transported back in time to when I was twenty six years old, a taxi driver, living in a one room cold water flat and I was sick of the filthy, filthy city streets and the pimps and the criminals and the garbage and the dirty politicians. Robert Deniro is so good in this. He has a jacket that has a gun that pop’s out of the sleeve, knives that shoot out of his mohawk, lazers that shoot out of his eyes. He talks to himself in the mirror a lot, which is something I do all the time. He saves a young prostitute by killing her pimp and then there’s a ticker-tape parade. What else...he takes this lady on their first date to a porno movie and then gives her a Kris Kristofferson album(?) That is my dream date so this movie get’s 8 stars!

This woman below could have bagged the most romantic guy in NYC, who would have serenaded her with Kristoffersons "Sunday Morning Coming Down" while watching "Kitty Going Down in the Valley" at the Times Square Marquee. Give your rose to someone who deserves it Travis.

THE EXORCIST

In this movie a young girl is possessed by the evil spirit of Ronald Reagan. There is some very sacrilegious stuff going on here like crosses in vagina's and a lot of blasphemy. Don’t watch this if you think Ronald Reagan is the greatest president ever, because it will skew your opinion of him. Also don’t watch it if you pray to the cross of the Lord because it gets put into Ronald Reagan's vagina. I have warned you! I thought this movie was pretty excellent but my favorite president was Benjamin Franklin, so therefore this film didn’t bother me much at all. If the main character was a demonic Benjamin Franklin, than I would boycott this film because that brilliant man invented the post office, the fire department, the stove, the lighting rod, chewing gum, duct tape, the fountain pen, the blender, and condoms. Look it up. No demon would ever make those awesome things. 4 satanic stars.

Ronald Reagan being impeached during the exorcism

AMADEUS

I saw this when I was a kid and it made a major impact on me. It is the tragic tale of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, a brilliant, eccentric composer from long long ago. Manipulated by a bitter mediocre contemporary named Saliari, Mozart's career is ruined and he ends up destitute, in a mass grave covered in baking flour. Mozart liked farting, having sex with girls, making music, and candy. Just like all musical geniuses. Saliari is a true hater who manipulates Mozart employing cunning means, such as bringing him whores and chocolate (The Schindler technique). Who could resist those things? If Mozart had been deaf, as in Beethoven’s case, he would never have heard Saliari’s misleading suggestions. And if he was blind like Ray Charles he never would have seen Saliari dressed up in a Darth Vader outfit, pretending to be his dead Father’s ghost. Then he would have gone on farting and making awesome music. 3 tragic whore-less candy-less fartless stars.

Mozart pre- Salieri.

Later on, a fartless Mozart has lost his will to live.

APOCALYPSE NOW

Marlon Brando is Colonel Kurtz, a vitiligo faced jungle warrior poet in the middle of Vietnam woods with natives who think he’s a Jesus. Martin Sheen plays a guy who breaks mirrors with fists and is sent on a mission to take Kurtz down. Personally I liked this movie for two reasons: lot’s of spider monkeys, and this line: “ I'm going 75 clicks above the Do-Lung bridge”. Whatever that means I don’t know, but one day I will declare this in a conversation with my Mom and Dad.
5 clicks!

Hiding in the mud till the planes drop more USO Playboy Bunny's.

ANCIENT WINE TASTING

This Saturday The Museum of Metropolitan Art unveiled an important addition to its Ancient Roman Collection.
A Roman era wine jar, measuring 6” by 20”, with a slight crack along the rim, was unearthed in December 2009. What set this particular artifact apart from the numerous other wine vessels, cups, jugs, flasks and buckets that have been found, was the abundance of wine found in the jar. It was nearly full, with an exquisite decorative porcelain cork (which naturally had to be destroyed in order to access the wine). Archaeologists the world over were astonished and delighted at this unique find. “I’ve personally found over 275, maybe even 300 different Roman-Era wine related things in the sand and whatnot", said Professor Ridley Lengham, “But I have never found any wine in anything. This is a historic day”. The tasting was to held in the Egyptian Annex of the Museum. Editor Robert Neenan was invited, and I too was thrilled to RSVP.

Figure 1:
The crippling effects of a day-long roman wine draught (circa 60 A.D.)

Figure 2
2 days, 40 jugs later, the roman is rehydrated and looking great

To date, no one has ever tasted Roman-Era wine, and hopes were high. The ambiance was legitimately Roman, with fake grapes draped on the Sphinxes and a very fine selection of french cheese. Romans had an abundance of fruit at all times, most definitely melon balls. Ornate plastic cups were lined meticulously on Tutankahmen's tomb, and excitement loomed in the air. I seated myself on the Sphinx of Amenhotep the Third, and I tried not to look to eager. I ate some brie and crackers and talked to Professor Lengham who said “Romans drank a lot of wine, this is something we all know. But what did it taste like? To quote Pliny the Elder ‘Wine should be not only drunk from sun up to sun down, but bathed in and slept in as well.” He also added, "Wine was invented by the Romans for orgies...and orgies are not too much fun if no one wants to do it with you", a famous observation by Dr. Steve Brule.

Roman baby 50 A.D.

Roman baby (Present day)

Dr. Peter Gardner was the first to step up, and after a short speech about Ovid, Seneca, Plutarch, and some other ancient folks, he began to pour shots. The appearance of the wine, naturally, was different than our modern day spirit. As I swirled it around the cup the wine stuck to the sides in a sludgy, Ancient Roman way. The texture was that of molasses, and the aroma was rich and pungent unlike anything my nose has ever known. My colleague Robert Neenan declared it to be “barbaric yet sophisticated, like the Romans themselves”. I agreed. I stuck my nose in the cup and inhaled deeply because everyone else was doing it. Unable to handle the smell any longer, I decided to chug the thing and experience the experience of a lifetime.*

* Until I taste this

My Review

The “Vomitorium” was invented by the Romans as a place to rid themselves of excess of food and drink, so it was quite fitting that many of us in the room embraced this tradition wholeheartedly. And what you might ask, did this long sought-after elixir taste of? It is very difficult to describe a fine wine, and doubly so when said wine is thousands of years old. Typical descriptions are “light-bodied” “tannic”, “fleshy”, “supple”, “hedonistic”. Flavors implicated are usually “oak”, “floral”, “cedar”, black currant”, “licorice” and so on. Words that came to me when ingesting my little cup of history were “farty”, “grainy”, and “Fecal-tastic”. In other words, it was a revelation.



The top note had a lush rancidity that hit my palette and is there even now, 5 days later. “Unctuous urine soaked rag pressed to my face while gargling diarrhea” is how Dr. Gardner described it, when we met soon after in the E.R. of Lenox Hill Hospital. “Dusty liquid manure, with a hint of decayed mouse stuck in a wall”, was another canny observation. As we were administered charcoal and our stomachs pumped, I felt like screaming “No! Keep it IN me!”, because I felt such kinship with ancient Roman culture at that point, not because I was hallucinating.

Photo of me

(To see more photos, log onto www.lastnightsparty.com)


With thanks to Alyssa Lou, without whom I would have missed the perfect opportunity to mention my husband Steve Brule.

Food Blog

Once the criminalitys were asleep, checked by monitors throughout the compound, we sat down to eat some bacon egg and cheese sandwiches and broke down crying. Egon had been caught by the police and there was nothing we could do. Between the crying and the sandwiches we lost some crucial time and by 5am we discovered the prisoners had escaped! They had stolen our T600 computer with all the files that had maps regarding our secret agent information. We ordered a Blooming Onion from Outback Steakhouse and did some yoga to calm ourselves down.




Later, we received news that Gallagin had been caught in gunfire and his top leg had been blown off it’s bottom leg. We decided to make turkey chili in memoriam and then Bronny the Kid-Kicker came up with an idea! We would go find the infidels, chase em’ down, and whoop some ass. In order to access the whereabouts of Vinny and his cronies we made some goat cheese and arugula salad and ate it like wolfs in the wind. Then we donned our uniforms and jumped in the van, speeding westward towards East Hollington.



Bronny called his old lady and got good news. She was pregnant with twins. Me and my old lady had 8 kids of our own, but she had never had twins. Why? I got two hot dogs from the hot dog vendor on Chesnut street, but they didn’t feel good going down. I felt like I was trying to eat two hot dogs to replace the two twins my wife never gave me.



We got a call that Egon had been pronounced guilty and sentenced to 25 years in the Hillston Penitentiary, so I went to visit him before he was sent off. He seemed kind of down in the dumps even though my wife had made him fried clams and knitted him an afghan blanket. He didn’t say much, just sort of sat there and stared into space. It was weird. Here’s a portion of the conversation that I can remember:

Me: How’s about the clams?

Egon: Yeah thanks.

Me: Did Bronnie mention all the hotties they got working at The Honey Pot right now? The got rid of that stupid rule that you can’t lick the girls..they have Steel Reserve on tap. The new "Kitchen Sink Nacho Platter" is the tits...

Egon: That sounds nice.

Me: How do you like that blanket?

Egon: Outside blankets are considered contraband.

Me: What a waste of a good blanket.

Egon: Um hum.

Then I said something about how they probably had a bunch of blankets in jail anyway, but nothing I had said seemed to cheer him up. I did manage to slide several packs of Orbitz gum through the jail bars before I left. I met up with the gang and went downtown to get some popcorn chicken at Gerby’s. Suddenly, Kieran O’Flannagan, the notorious franchise robber walked into the place and started to rob the shit out of it! We couldn't arrest him because it would have blown our cover and also were not policeman. We all jumped in the van but Roland went all idiot on us and ran back in to grab the bucket of chicken. Everybody hollered at him when he came back but it turned out he had grabbed the ketchup dispenser from the condiment stand. It was enough ketchup for an army. I was impressed by his foresight.



We went back to the compound and to watch the monitors. Nothing much was going on so we did some origami. I was in the middle of making a cherry blossom crane when Linda came in and told us that Interpol had arrived, and we needed to haul ass. Catscan was in the middle of making lasagna but swiftly grabbed a couple of grenades and blew a hole through the wall. He killed our ferret Knut by accident, and we all said a silent prayer out loud. Then we escaped and drove down to compound number 8, east of Sommersby, down by the old canning factory. It was a close call. We forgot to bring Linda and someone said something about going back to get her, but then we realized we didn’t know anybody named Linda. To this very day I think she was some sort of angel sent by Jesus.



Compound 8 wasn’t much different from the other seven compounds; only in the fact that it had a water slide, a trampoline, a Nintendo Game Cube and a full bar. Everyone poured a shot of 150 year old whiskey and drank to Egon, then Knut, and then to Linda in case she was dead. We played The Legend of Zelda for a couple hours and Roland forgot to save our game so we ended up being stuck back in Dragon Roost Island. Could things get any worse? Before long everyone was three sheets to the wind except for Lightweight, who was alcoholic. Lightweight perused the monitors and spotted a suspicious personage. It looked like a cleaning lady, mopping the entrance floor, but who could know for sure? Nobody hadn’t eaten for over an hour and the drink had made everyone sloppy. Lightweight strapped on his pistol and went to investigate. Gunshots soon followed, and everyone snapped into action. We snuck down the hallway only to find Lightweight, gun in hand, and a large man wearing a white wig and woman’s apron, lying dead on the floor.



“Bluesmoke!”, everyone said in unison.

Bluesmoke was a notorious criminal and he’d been following our crew for years. Everyone thanked Lightweight for being such an alcoholic. We dragged Bluesmoke's body out the backdoor, and weighted him down with discarded cans from the canning factory. We floated him out on the lake but he didn’t sink so we all went back inside and searched to see if there was any hot cocoa inside. We came up empty handed. Things were looking grim. Then Reynold’s came up with an idea. Two people would drive into town and buy some hot cocoa, Ramen noodles, and sharp cheddar cheese. Two other people would float out on the lake on a makeshift raft and tie some bricks to Bluesmoke. An argument ensued over who would do what.



Catscan couldn’t swim so that ruled him out of the rafting idea, and it turned out nobody else wanted to do it either. We decided to pack up the Tigers Milk bars and make a run for the hills, where there was an underground tunnel leading to the master computer. From there, we’d would notify Alfonso, a long distance swimmer that Bronny knew back from his high school days. Then, everything went to shit. Bluesmoke wasn’t dead after all! As we were leaving compound 8 we came face to face with him, dripping wet and covered with bloody cans. He knocked out Bronnie with a swift kick to his balls and Bronnie went down like a two dollar hooker. Then he went after Catscan but Catscan knew Capoeria the brazilian art of dance-fighting. He danced the shit out of Bluesmoke and then finally Bluesmoke was dead for real.



Another job well done. With tomorrows’s rising sun we will meet further challenges and obstacles that come with our line of work. But this is the life we have chosen. Sometimes I think we will never get back to Olive Garden before the grilled chicken flat bread gets retired from the menu. In the meantime we should try and capture Ivan “12 fingers” Enovitch, and destroy his laboratory.
Belgian waffles. And lentil soup. Pizza bagels.

Mysteries of the Tarot... REVEALED!

The Tarot, or “Tarrow” as it was once spelled back in a time of my life when was grammar unimportant to me, is an ancient form of divination/card game, similar to poker but infinitely more valuable. Knowledge of future heartbreak, impending disease and death, or plastic chips? I’ll take the knowledge of impending death thank you very much. But the tarot is not limited to the grim, inescapable future. Romance, travel, getting a great new job...all these can be revealed in the 22-card deck. I say ‘can be’ because it’s slim to none that good things are seen in the cards; in my experience they mostly just foretell the horrors to come. Join me today as I introduce the curious reader to the Major Arcana cards and the meaning behind them!

THE FOOL

The card shows a young man, in Renaissance Fair outfit, holding a flower. He is perched atop a cliff, and about to fall off it but doesn't even care because he’s looking at the pretty sky. Basically, this card represents our childlike wonderment, or “soul idiocy”. When this card is shown in the traditional three card spread, it usually indicates that you are about to try drugs for the first time and/or you may be hit by a vehicle. Either way, the Fool is a powerful card even if it shows a very stupid person in the picture.

THE MAGICIAN

The Magician stands at a table with a magical symbol over his head. There are magical things on the table - a giant cup, and a Jewish plate. He holds aloft a scroll, or it could be candle, it’s hard to say. Also, there are grape vines. The Magician represents the power of wine, and its relevance in making crucial decisions in life. When this card is revealed in the three card spread, you will probably be drunk within the day or sometime the following week. (Not necessarily on wine, that is just a spiritual symbol for any alcoholic beverage.).

THE HIGH PRIESTESS

Well. Somebody thinks she is quite a big deal. This young lady is the precursor to The Empress, so she is probably her daughter. She is shown sitting at a throne flanked by two columns with the initials “B” on one side and”J” on the other (It is considered ok to laugh the first 3 times you notice this but after that you will be scolded by your gypsy). If this card is revealed, it is possible you are going through relationship problems, or you're about to get a bill in the mail that will be of insignificant sum.

THE EMPRESS

The Empress is shown on a sled with a shield next to her. She’s holding a staff in her hand, and wearing a cuter outfit than her daughter. She is prettier too. Basically, she’s the same as the high priestess but just older, and she’s married to the next card, the Emperor. The shield indicates that she has protection from evil elements, and when this card is displayed you should probably throw out any old potato salad in your refrigerator, or consider buying a down jacket.

THE EMPEROR

He is the King. His throne is made out of baby goats. He’s holding a staff in his hand too. He is symbolic of the domination over the weak, and when revealed in a spread, some Tarot readers will tell you this card represents personal strength, but I think it means you are going to be a victimized by a homophobe, even if you're not gay. Let me be clear: I do not like this person. I think he should be taken out of the deck and replaced by a baby Bengal tiger, but that’s just my opinion.

THE HIEROPHANT

This is the Emperor's psychic. He goes to him and asks him questions, such as, “Who shall I victimize next? Who should I plunder?”. The Hierophant is very wise and this is revealed by observing the two men beneath him. They are asking him questions constantly. Everyone asks the Hierophant questions, so when he shows up in a spread you should ask yourself why you make so many mistakes in life, and agonize over that for several days.

THE LOVERS

One would assume this card means you are in a solid romantic relationship, or headed in that direction. This is inaccurate. Notice the giant angel-looking woman over the two lovers? That is a demon and she's pushing the lovers away from each other, because she just doesn’t like seeing people happy I guess. Just a bitter demon. The Lovers shown in conjunction with the Emperor is just about the worst spread imaginable. Every time this card comes up for me I get broken up with by text message.

THE CHARIOT

This card depicts a man in a chariot driven by two Egyptian pharaohs. He is going someplace, but where? And how come he is so important that the pharaohs carry him around? This card means you are most likely about to gain celebrity or fame for something that you don’t deserve. I call this the Paris Hilton card of the major Arcana.

STRENGTH

Here is a nice woman who is looking inside the mouth of a lion like it’s no big deal. She has a magical symbol above her head, so I think she is the Magician's wife. She is friends with lions so what more can you say? She is strong. This card often means you are spending too much time on the internet, and must be strong and just try and read a book or something. Read a book about lions!

THE HERMIT

This is a lonely man, but he likes it that way. He walks the earth with a cane and holds a lamp because he only likes the dark. I think he might be a vampire. A foreboding card, for me at any rate. When this card came up for me recently, I soon lost my ATM card and was nearly hit by a water balloon thrown from a high distance.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

There is so much going on here, snakes and angels and griffins and a pharaoh and a demon. Everybody is reading magazines, and naturally there is a wheel of fortune in the center. This card represents destiny and when revealed in conjunction with the Empress card and the Fool, you may soon be going into a phase in your life that is either slightly self-destructive or highly self-destructive.

JUSTICE

A stern-faced man/woman with a crown on his/her head. They hold a scale in their hands. This card is pretty self-explanatory. If you have recently had an argument with a friend and this card turns up, they will probably call you and apologize. You could also get arrested for shoplifting, which is what happened to me.

THE HANGED MAN

The following two cards seem intimidating and scary, but they are quite innocuous according to me. The hanged man depicts an upside down guy, with one leg extended and pointing to his knee. He is hanging from a pole with grape vines. I think he is exercising (It’s called Inversion Therapy... it’s fun!) and most definately drunk. He looks pretty happy to me. I believe this card implies you are entering a healthy drunken stage in your life.

DEATH

People are always scared of this card but that’s just ignorant. Anybody familiar with the Tarot knows that the death card does not indicate a real death occuring (That would be the Fool card, or the Emperor). The card is great because it implies the death of bad habits, such as putting cigarettes out on your plate after dinner, or throwing pennies in the garbage because they annoy you. I appreciate when I see this card in a spread, because I know that it means someday I will stop obsessively cleaning my ears with q-tips.

TEMPERANCE

Temperance is all about calming down, not running around like a crazy person. Serenity. Inner peace. I think whoever invented the tarot felt pressure from their girlfriend to put something tame and un-scary in between Death and The Devil. When I get this card in a spread I try and ignore the ‘ance’ part of temperance and focus on the ‘temper’ part, because what’s healthier: a fiery temper that compels you to throw your pint glass in a crowded bar at a girl that might be talking to your man or taking it easy? I think my Grandmother said it best “Take it easy? How bout ‘make it sleazy!”. Well said, Grandma.

THE DEVIL

Most are familiar with this card - horned winged creature with hoofs.. It would appear that the Devil has gotten the lovers from the Lovers card, chained them together, and now they are his slaves. Well that’s just not true. I think this “Devil” is a match-making goat angel, and he has just hooked up two lonely people. This card is badly misinterpreted. In fact, I secretly hide extra copies of the Devil into my decks when I do readings, that’s how much I love this card. I met my boyfriend through this card!

THE TOWER

This one is pretty bad looking and it is unfortunately accurate. It shows a tower cracked by a thunderbolt, exploding into flames, some poor person being jettisoned out the tower window. If you get this card stay away from towers and thunderstorms. But the sad reality is that despite avoiding those things you will plummet from an exploding tower either way.

To Be Continued...