DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS MONSTER ASTROLOGY

"Daria Sellon McQuade takes Dungeon's and Dragon's Monster Astrology to it's highest, turning it into a form of personal self-reflection." - Beth Kelly

ATTENTION:

The below D & D Horoscopes are excerpted from my book,
"2012: The Coming of the Chromatic Dragon".
Available July 2013.

BEHOLDER
(November 12th- November 22nd)

You tend see both sides of everything. Your not a very skilled decision maker. Like the Greek God Syphilis, who used to stand at the gates of Zeus holding a corncob in one hand and a stick in the other. He didn't even know why he was holding those things! But the point is, he couldn't decide which was the best thing- corncob or stick. I can definitely relate. Today you'll meet a very compatible and exciting circle of new friends. These people may be from foreign countries, or they might be invisible. They'll feel like kindred spirits. You'll be able to talk with them for hours. Whatever their circumstances, these people could be your friends for life. Don’t pay any bills today; Venus is entering into a vortex and all checks will bounce. Just like... everybody’s. Even the Minotaur's.

New friends!

UMBERHULK
(July 11th - August 15th)

You are tenacious and tend to cry easily. Your presence usually goes unnoticed at social functions due to your horrible personality. Don’t worry- I like you. Today your mind kicks into slow gear as Mercury and Uranus enhance your power to offend everyone who crosses your path. The joy of love abounds when Venus copulates Jupiter tonight. If you're single, with the Taurus Moon there's a tendency to be slow to fall in love, which is okay because that’s not in the cards for you anyway. Be leery of scratch-off cards and scratch and sniff stickers. A person you care about may be in trouble, but you will be unaware and even if they are you have a lot of stuff to deal with yourself. Like that sound you make with your mouth. Take care of that shit.

GOLEM
(April 3rd - 7th, May 31st - June 5th)

Flighty and finicky, and flakey. You have a lot of finesse but very little focus. You are a functional alcoholic! (That’s the good kind!). You are all those F words. The Letter F defines you. A new Fuck/romance is definitely in the air! This could be a renewal of the romance within a current relationship or, if you're single, someone new and exciting might cross your path, but most likely it’s just some people on a show your watching (Bones). If not, this person could be from a distant place (Newark) and in a profession such glue-huffing, or law. Whatever your situation, the feeling is going to persist at least through next month unless you get some creme from your doctor.

Golem never misses an episode, which is consistant with his finesse

PEGASUS
???

Your a really angry person, you know that right? Toxic energy flows through Pegasus like a river of bile. If there’s a snow globe to bash into someone’s head your the first person to line up. You like getting in arguments about what the word ‘dearth’ means. Who cares? Get over it. But you never ever will. A new, exciting neighbor could move in near you. If you're single, this person might be a potential romantic partner. If you aren't, you could make a great enemy. When you meet, monopolize this person's time. Disrupt his/her’s moving process. Don't be shy about seeking this person out later and offering them the open bottle of wine that’s been in your fridge for 3 years. Consider buying bongo drums. Also: Don’t get a haircut today! The apex of Neptune is in centigrade, which means someone might try and persuade you into cutting bangs. This could have catastrophic results.

Pegasus taking on the form of Richard Gere (Note the obvious passive-aggressive shape-shifting)

HYDRA
(Feb 14th - March 15th)

Your the life of the party! You want to be where the action’s at, and just go, go, go, all the time, ZOOM! Gross. Just cool it. People get bored seeing you at every party, nightclub bla bla bla. Your gonna die one day Hydra, you have to come to terms with it. Transformation of your life, even your very being, may have been in the works for some time. For instance, you are gaining weight rapidly, and aren’t even eating that much. Your getting really old. Today you could finally see it made manifest. Dreams come true, perhaps in an unconventional and unexpected manner. Don't move too quickly or eagerly... move in slow-motion. All day, just do that. Think carefully before committing to any plans to do any work. Be afraid to consult others. Move in slow motion and good fortune will follow. (Good Fortune is a Chinese food restaurant and the reason why your gaining so much weight. General Tsao’s chicken)

MASTODON
September 9th - Oct 13th

You like doing the same things all the time. Dullsville, population: You. You and all your astrological kin. “Let’s go to Trader Joe’s. Let’s go to Trader Joe’s. I wonder what’s happening with the food at Trader Joe’s today?”. I can’t go to Trader Joe's Mastodon, because I don’t want to die in there, under a pile of frozen pot stickers. (Yum). Interestingly, a new addition to your routine may be in the works. Sharpening pencils and looking up different kinds of cancer you might have just doesn’t cut it anymore. Whether this involves work that produces additional income is just plain laughable, but you can expect your tasks to change in some way, probably for the worse. You could also be thrown in with a group of people you find incompatible. You're gonna get bitten by a dog, I think. I really do.

Variety is the 'plice' of life- Mastodon's unfunny joke

BERSERKER
(June 1 - June 18th)

You're a risk taker and a goal-attempter. An overachiever who will try everything once, twice, then you try it again and then fail. You fail a lot, and I know it’s hard when everybody says you smell like asbestos. But today an opportunity may come your way that causes you to consider changing your career. No matter what you've been involved with up to now, be it cosmetology, taxidermy, hanging out with your dog on the couch, something else might attract you perhaps involving metaphysical or philosophical subjects, such as Ghosts and Vampires or God (The Holy Trinity). Is transforming your working life the right thing to do now? You don’t even have a job. Bear in mind that lack of work opportunity may be a gift from the Universe.

LAMIA
September 1st - 14th

You like nature and the smell of rain on a hot, smelly day. A true rebel, with a tendency towards being a follower. Well, new beginnings are heralded today, particularly where travel, education, and legal matters are concerned. Difficult decisions may need to be made. Freak out over them. Whatever you decide should work out horribly. Think carelessly about your plans. Take care of any paperwork that you've put off before moving on to more interesting matters like “What did that bitch say about me?" You're also a slut. (That's what the bitch is saying).

DOPPELGANGER

You're an introvert with the soul of a newspaper boy crying out “Titanic Sinks! Great Loss of Life!” Have you been thinking about moving? Perhaps you've even bought a new home. Whatever. No, you didn't. Whatever your situation, you may execute some paperwork today, because astrology and paperwork go together like sugar and cheese. (Perfectly). Perhaps an agreement with a realtor or contractor, or maybe escrow papers? (Editor's note: What’s Escrow?) This could be frustrating, as the wording of the documents might seem obscure. Maybe pretend your reading something else, like a Garfield comic.

The sensitive soul of Doppelganger
More anti-paperwork reading suggestions:

PURPLE WORM
(May 1st - May 7th)

Why are you so full of yourself? Not every things about you. When I’m telling you about the chimps dying in the Congo and you say "I can't think about that right now" it makes me feel like you don't care about the chimps nor do you care about our relationship. Narcissistic and cunning, but devastatingly attractive. That's true of every single person under this sign. It's science. The good news is your recent nightmares may hold the key to your future. Though the unconscious symbols could be obscure, like the one where your trapped in a box and they cut off your legs? And all those people from True Blood are in it, (especially Eric) it would be useful to try to make sense of them. Your past experiences may enable you to make really weird decisions, concerning money, sex, and love. I suggest making a list of your insights and check them out. Let me read it because it will be hilarious. Also make a list of stuff you want on Amazon for Christmas. Expect to receive nothing.

MINOTAUR
March 15th - April 15th

Your head is in the clouds. Your ethereal and full of oxygen and entrails, skeleton bones. You are not of this world. Have you been concentrating strongly on spiritual studies for a while? Do you meditate regularly? Neither have I ever will. If so, don't be surprised if insights and revelations come to mind regardless. You might feel a strong inclination to write a song, and then perform it on YouTube. This will make you stand out, and possibly get you a record contract. (Just today, not on any of the rest of the days of this week). If you're inclined toward writing, you might set your ideas down in a book, perhaps with publishing in mind. Set yourself up for super high expectations and enjoy the crushing defeat. With Pluto digressing into Mercury the doors are open wide for you!

SUCCUBUS
December 1st - January 1st

A true romantic. You love the idea of love and hate people who don’t love it. You're charming and charismatic but also standoff-ish and sort of an asshole all the time. The primary focus today should be on romance and marriage. Have you been thinking about getting married? If so, you could be surprised to learn that your significant other has been thinking about what a terrible nightmare that would be. This could be the end of a long period of uncertainty. It's apt to prove a very traumatic experience. Don't be surprised if people tell you how attractive you look today, today of all days right? What the fuck.

To be continued...