DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS MONSTER ASTROLOGY

"Daria Sellon McQuade takes Dungeon's and Dragon's Monster Astrology to it's highest, turning it into a form of personal self-reflection." - Beth Kelly

ATTENTION:

The below D & D Horoscopes are excerpted from my book,
"2012: The Coming of the Chromatic Dragon".
Available July 2013.

BEHOLDER
(November 12th- November 22nd)

You tend see both sides of everything. Your not a very skilled decision maker. Like the Greek God Syphilis, who used to stand at the gates of Zeus holding a corncob in one hand and a stick in the other. He didn't even know why he was holding those things! But the point is, he couldn't decide which was the best thing- corncob or stick. I can definitely relate. Today you'll meet a very compatible and exciting circle of new friends. These people may be from foreign countries, or they might be invisible. They'll feel like kindred spirits. You'll be able to talk with them for hours. Whatever their circumstances, these people could be your friends for life. Don’t pay any bills today; Venus is entering into a vortex and all checks will bounce. Just like... everybody’s. Even the Minotaur's.

New friends!

UMBERHULK
(July 11th - August 15th)

You are tenacious and tend to cry easily. Your presence usually goes unnoticed at social functions due to your horrible personality. Don’t worry- I like you. Today your mind kicks into slow gear as Mercury and Uranus enhance your power to offend everyone who crosses your path. The joy of love abounds when Venus copulates Jupiter tonight. If you're single, with the Taurus Moon there's a tendency to be slow to fall in love, which is okay because that’s not in the cards for you anyway. Be leery of scratch-off cards and scratch and sniff stickers. A person you care about may be in trouble, but you will be unaware and even if they are you have a lot of stuff to deal with yourself. Like that sound you make with your mouth. Take care of that shit.

GOLEM
(April 3rd - 7th, May 31st - June 5th)

Flighty and finicky, and flakey. You have a lot of finesse but very little focus. You are a functional alcoholic! (That’s the good kind!). You are all those F words. The Letter F defines you. A new Fuck/romance is definitely in the air! This could be a renewal of the romance within a current relationship or, if you're single, someone new and exciting might cross your path, but most likely it’s just some people on a show your watching (Bones). If not, this person could be from a distant place (Newark) and in a profession such glue-huffing, or law. Whatever your situation, the feeling is going to persist at least through next month unless you get some creme from your doctor.

Golem never misses an episode, which is consistant with his finesse

PEGASUS
???

Your a really angry person, you know that right? Toxic energy flows through Pegasus like a river of bile. If there’s a snow globe to bash into someone’s head your the first person to line up. You like getting in arguments about what the word ‘dearth’ means. Who cares? Get over it. But you never ever will. A new, exciting neighbor could move in near you. If you're single, this person might be a potential romantic partner. If you aren't, you could make a great enemy. When you meet, monopolize this person's time. Disrupt his/her’s moving process. Don't be shy about seeking this person out later and offering them the open bottle of wine that’s been in your fridge for 3 years. Consider buying bongo drums. Also: Don’t get a haircut today! The apex of Neptune is in centigrade, which means someone might try and persuade you into cutting bangs. This could have catastrophic results.

Pegasus taking on the form of Richard Gere (Note the obvious passive-aggressive shape-shifting)

HYDRA
(Feb 14th - March 15th)

Your the life of the party! You want to be where the action’s at, and just go, go, go, all the time, ZOOM! Gross. Just cool it. People get bored seeing you at every party, nightclub bla bla bla. Your gonna die one day Hydra, you have to come to terms with it. Transformation of your life, even your very being, may have been in the works for some time. For instance, you are gaining weight rapidly, and aren’t even eating that much. Your getting really old. Today you could finally see it made manifest. Dreams come true, perhaps in an unconventional and unexpected manner. Don't move too quickly or eagerly... move in slow-motion. All day, just do that. Think carefully before committing to any plans to do any work. Be afraid to consult others. Move in slow motion and good fortune will follow. (Good Fortune is a Chinese food restaurant and the reason why your gaining so much weight. General Tsao’s chicken)

MASTODON
September 9th - Oct 13th

You like doing the same things all the time. Dullsville, population: You. You and all your astrological kin. “Let’s go to Trader Joe’s. Let’s go to Trader Joe’s. I wonder what’s happening with the food at Trader Joe’s today?”. I can’t go to Trader Joe's Mastodon, because I don’t want to die in there, under a pile of frozen pot stickers. (Yum). Interestingly, a new addition to your routine may be in the works. Sharpening pencils and looking up different kinds of cancer you might have just doesn’t cut it anymore. Whether this involves work that produces additional income is just plain laughable, but you can expect your tasks to change in some way, probably for the worse. You could also be thrown in with a group of people you find incompatible. You're gonna get bitten by a dog, I think. I really do.

Variety is the 'plice' of life- Mastodon's unfunny joke

BERSERKER
(June 1 - June 18th)

You're a risk taker and a goal-attempter. An overachiever who will try everything once, twice, then you try it again and then fail. You fail a lot, and I know it’s hard when everybody says you smell like asbestos. But today an opportunity may come your way that causes you to consider changing your career. No matter what you've been involved with up to now, be it cosmetology, taxidermy, hanging out with your dog on the couch, something else might attract you perhaps involving metaphysical or philosophical subjects, such as Ghosts and Vampires or God (The Holy Trinity). Is transforming your working life the right thing to do now? You don’t even have a job. Bear in mind that lack of work opportunity may be a gift from the Universe.

LAMIA
September 1st - 14th

You like nature and the smell of rain on a hot, smelly day. A true rebel, with a tendency towards being a follower. Well, new beginnings are heralded today, particularly where travel, education, and legal matters are concerned. Difficult decisions may need to be made. Freak out over them. Whatever you decide should work out horribly. Think carelessly about your plans. Take care of any paperwork that you've put off before moving on to more interesting matters like “What did that bitch say about me?" You're also a slut. (That's what the bitch is saying).

DOPPELGANGER

You're an introvert with the soul of a newspaper boy crying out “Titanic Sinks! Great Loss of Life!” Have you been thinking about moving? Perhaps you've even bought a new home. Whatever. No, you didn't. Whatever your situation, you may execute some paperwork today, because astrology and paperwork go together like sugar and cheese. (Perfectly). Perhaps an agreement with a realtor or contractor, or maybe escrow papers? (Editor's note: What’s Escrow?) This could be frustrating, as the wording of the documents might seem obscure. Maybe pretend your reading something else, like a Garfield comic.

The sensitive soul of Doppelganger
More anti-paperwork reading suggestions:

PURPLE WORM
(May 1st - May 7th)

Why are you so full of yourself? Not every things about you. When I’m telling you about the chimps dying in the Congo and you say "I can't think about that right now" it makes me feel like you don't care about the chimps nor do you care about our relationship. Narcissistic and cunning, but devastatingly attractive. That's true of every single person under this sign. It's science. The good news is your recent nightmares may hold the key to your future. Though the unconscious symbols could be obscure, like the one where your trapped in a box and they cut off your legs? And all those people from True Blood are in it, (especially Eric) it would be useful to try to make sense of them. Your past experiences may enable you to make really weird decisions, concerning money, sex, and love. I suggest making a list of your insights and check them out. Let me read it because it will be hilarious. Also make a list of stuff you want on Amazon for Christmas. Expect to receive nothing.

MINOTAUR
March 15th - April 15th

Your head is in the clouds. Your ethereal and full of oxygen and entrails, skeleton bones. You are not of this world. Have you been concentrating strongly on spiritual studies for a while? Do you meditate regularly? Neither have I ever will. If so, don't be surprised if insights and revelations come to mind regardless. You might feel a strong inclination to write a song, and then perform it on YouTube. This will make you stand out, and possibly get you a record contract. (Just today, not on any of the rest of the days of this week). If you're inclined toward writing, you might set your ideas down in a book, perhaps with publishing in mind. Set yourself up for super high expectations and enjoy the crushing defeat. With Pluto digressing into Mercury the doors are open wide for you!

SUCCUBUS
December 1st - January 1st

A true romantic. You love the idea of love and hate people who don’t love it. You're charming and charismatic but also standoff-ish and sort of an asshole all the time. The primary focus today should be on romance and marriage. Have you been thinking about getting married? If so, you could be surprised to learn that your significant other has been thinking about what a terrible nightmare that would be. This could be the end of a long period of uncertainty. It's apt to prove a very traumatic experience. Don't be surprised if people tell you how attractive you look today, today of all days right? What the fuck.

To be continued...

Old post redux -"BETH KELLY: COMPOSITE SKETCH ARTIST" (Dedicated to my love Erin Sullivan, on account of her 'love' of blood-diamond encrusted skulls)

"It takes a long time for a man to look like his portrait"
- James McNeill Whistler

"At moments of great enthusiasm it seems to me that no one in the world has ever made something this beautiful and important."
-M.C. Escher

“Theo, the more I think about it, the more I realize there would nothing more valuable to my artistic soul than being a composite sketch artist for my local police precinct."
-Vincent Van Gogh

I often wonder if, without art, would we ever have evolved from the apes? Imagine the first caveman who held aloft a stick dipped in dinosaur feces, preparing himself to draw a picture of some guy killing a woolly mammoth or dragging his girlfriend by the hair into his cave. Imagine if he suddenly decided it was a stupid idea. Said to himself "It's not gonna come out looking good anyway, whats the point?". So he just goes back to doing the same sad routine he plays out everyday...hitting bones with other bones because it's fun, right?

(It does look fun)

But maybe one day he picks up the stick again and rubs it with another stick and invents fire, the most destructive element known to man. Without art, we would only have fire. And what is fire really, but something to burn down a house or a church with? Art will not burn down your house. It may leave you homeless. But an artist can always crash on someones couch, simply by trading some of their art if the alleged 'someone' agrees it will make their apartment look cool.

I feel art is like oxygen. Without it I see a world metaphorically gasping for air, slowly suffocating from not being able to see Damien Hirst’s latest “Room With Nothing In It Except For A Photograph Of An Empty Room” installation.

I don't even want to live in blood diamond encrusted skull-less world

I repeatedly imagine this terrible scenario: Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel, and it's looking really good. He's only painted one angel- looking person but you already know the rest in gonna come out looking awesome. Suddenly, out of nowhere his hands are sliced off by a rogue machete, telekineticly launched at him by Carrie White from the movie ‘Carrie’. (In this scenario he has been pointing at her and chanting “They’re all gonna laugh at you” over and over again so you can’t really blame her).

I also imagine this "Twilight Zone" fantasy: What if Picasso had decided not to be a painter and chose to be a writer instead? . In place of ‘Les Demoiselles d'Avignon’ we would have a shitty book* describing how cute his dog Lump is, and how great whores are at doing sex with him.

What's Cubism? There isn't any.

Last but not least is Vincent Van Gogh, who single ear-edly has become the international paradigm for 'artists that nobody notices are geniuses until they die'. (Or 'ATNNAGUTD' ). Van Gogh painted the underbelly of the Dutch world. The opium addicts, the potato peelers, the- weird-of-face, and most importantly, the criminal element. As I have spent the last 12 years working as freelance forensic/composite artist for various law enforcement agencies, I often feel the ghostly presence of Van Gogh hovering over me whispering in my ear “Cut it off...”. Then he says to me “Beth, there is no blue without yellow and without orange.” Then I say, “I only work in with a # 2 pencil or black charcoal”. And then he says “Use colored pastels” and then I say “But we don't do composite sketches in color” and then he's all “Beth, just shut the hell up and listen to me! Your making me want to cut off my other ear!" and then I hear his brother saying “Vincent, you must leave Beth now, it's time to return to the sanitarium. Get back in your room with no windows and make more paintings from memory that nobody will ever buy."

Then he’s gone. But he’s never really gone. He is my spirit animal, and his paintings are on all my coffee cups.

I have just recently developed a Composite Sketch Drawing Workshop. I want to share with you some of my most recent pieces that I feel embody the essence of artistic freedom and it’s unquestionable impact on society. The reality of composite sketch art is not merely about apprehending trench coat flashers, muggers and kleptos. It's also about finding your dreams and realizing your passions in the wondrous renderings of people's faces described by victims who have been traumatized* to the point of hysteria.

*Only occasionally resulting in mass confusion over the difference between Latino, Asian, and Black facial features

I call this "The Extinction of Free Speech (Species)". This man has zipped up his windbreaker to the point where he is nearly mouthless. He has conflicted his free speech out of his own 'free' will (a fascinating dichotomy), and chooses to communicate with his hands, although he is too lazy to learn sign language.

"The Duality of Dualism". This shows two separate representations of the same man. Who is he? The first picture and the second one? Or the second picture and the first? (You may discuss this during my workshop. I am open to your individual opinions but just know that I only adhere to my own. Hint: He is neither of these guys.)

Here is an example of using diversity to convey artistic sentiment. I wanted this piece to emphasize that the young man was a talented musician, with dreams of being a contestant on American Idol. Which is probably why he robbed that guitar shop.

I threw this in here as an example of the "Flash in the Pan" type of composite sketch artist who has merely gained attention for his/her famous subject and whose heart clearly was not in the work. This person below could be anybody. It has no personality, no whimsy. It aspires to nothing but mediocrity.

These two companion pieces are some of my latest work. They are entitled "So Sweet and Low, the Diabetic" and I drew them during a frenzy of creativity. As you can see, they sold within days. (In my industry arrested indicates 'SOLD'). It's true. You can look it up.

Here's a female serial killer. These women are very rare so I call this piece "The Pearl of The Ocean". Adrift in a 'sea' of murderous homicidal rage, so I made her facial expression very enigmatic. She is like "Hmm...Lalala...maybe I hate you, maybe I like you, maybe I want to kill you". Very 'Mona Lisa-esque'.

Lastly, I have a piece by a current student of mine Patrick McQuade. Patrick's talent is evident in the wild shock of hair, the riveting eyes and his superior draftsmanship of this sex offender (still wanted by the FBI.) Patrick couldn't think of a name so I like to call it" Showtime At The Apollo".

MYSTERIES OF THE TAROT: REVEALED!

The Tarot, or “Tarrow” as it was once spelled back in a time of my life when was grammar unimportant to me, is an ancient form of divination/card game, similar to poker but infinitely more valuable. Knowledge of future heartbreak, impending disease and death, or plastic chips? I’ll take the knowledge of impending death thank you very much. But the tarot is not limited to the grim, inescapable future. Romance, travel, getting a great new job...all these can be revealed in the 22-card deck. I say ‘can be’ because it’s slim to none that good things are seen in the cards; in my experience they mostly just foretell the horrors to come. Join me today as I introduce the curious reader to the Major Arcana cards and the meaning behind them!

THE FOOL

The card shows a young man, in Renaissance Fair outfit, holding a flower. He is perched atop a cliff, and about to fall off it but doesn't even care because he’s looking at the pretty sky. Basically, this card represents our childlike wonderment, or “soul idiocy”. When this card is shown in the traditional three card spread, it usually indicates that you are about to try drugs for the first time and/or you may be hit by a vehicle. Either way, the Fool is a powerful card even if it shows a very stupid person in the picture.

THE MAGICIAN

The Magician stands at a table with a magical symbol over his head. There are magical things on the table - a giant cup, and a Jewish plate. He holds aloft a scroll, or it could be candle, it’s hard to say. Also, there are grape vines. The Magician represents the power of wine, and its relevance in making crucial decisions in life. When this card is revealed in the three card spread, you will probably be drunk within the day or sometime the following week. (Not necessarily on wine, that is just a spiritual symbol for any alcoholic beverage.).

THE HIGH PRIESTESS

Well. Somebody thinks she is quite a big deal. This young lady is the precursor to The Empress, so she is probably her daughter. She is shown sitting at a throne flanked by two columns with the initials “B” on one side and”J” on the other (It is considered ok to laugh the first 3 times you notice this but after that you will be scolded by your gypsy). If this card is revealed, it is possible you are going through relationship problems, or you're about to get a bill in the mail that will be of insignificant sum.

THE EMPRESS

The Empress is shown on a sled with a shield next to her. She’s holding a staff in her hand, and wearing a cuter outfit than her daughter. She is prettier too. Basically, she’s the same as the high priestess but just older, and she’s married to the next card, the Emperor. The shield indicates that she has protection from evil elements, and when this card is displayed you should probably throw out any old potato salad in your refrigerator, or consider buying a down jacket.

THE EMPEROR

He is the King. His throne is made out of baby goats. He’s holding a staff in his hand too. He is symbolic of the domination over the weak, and when revealed in a spread, some Tarot readers will tell you this card represents personal strength, but I think it means you are going to be a victimized by a homophobe, even if you're not gay. Let me be clear: I do not like this person. I think he should be taken out of the deck and replaced by a baby Bengal tiger, but that’s just my opinion.

THE HIEROPHANT

This is the Emperor's psychic. He goes to him and asks him questions, such as, “Who shall I victimize next? Who should I plunder?”. The Hierophant is very wise and this is revealed by observing the two men beneath him. They are asking him questions constantly. Everyone asks the Hierophant questions, so when he shows up in a spread you should ask yourself why you make so many mistakes in life, and agonize over that for several days.

THE LOVERS

One would assume this card means you are in a solid romantic relationship, or headed in that direction. This is inaccurate. Notice the giant angel-looking woman over the two lovers? That is a demon and she's pushing the lovers away from each other, because she just doesn’t like seeing people happy I guess. Just a bitter demon. The Lovers shown in conjunction with the Emperor is just about the worst spread imaginable. Every time this card comes up for me I get broken up with by text message.

THE CHARIOT

This card depicts a man in a chariot driven by two Egyptian pharaohs. He is going someplace, but where? And how come he is so important that the pharaohs carry him around? This card means you are most likely about to gain celebrity or fame for something that you don’t deserve. I call this the Paris Hilton card of the major Arcana.

STRENGTH

Here is a nice woman who is looking inside the mouth of a lion like it’s no big deal. She has a magical symbol above her head, so I think she is the Magician's wife. She is friends with lions so what more can you say? She is strong. This card often means you are spending too much time on the internet, and must be strong and just try and read a book or something. Read a book about lions!

THE HERMIT

This is a lonely man, but he likes it that way. He walks the earth with a cane and holds a lamp because he only likes the dark. I think he might be a vampire. A foreboding card, for me at any rate. When this card came up for me recently, I soon lost my ATM card and was nearly hit by a water balloon thrown from a high distance.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE

There is so much going on here, snakes and angels and griffins and a pharaoh and a demon. Everybody is reading magazines, and naturally there is a wheel of fortune in the center. This card represents destiny and when revealed in conjunction with the Empress card and the Fool, you may soon be going into a phase in your life that is either slightly self-destructive or highly self-destructive.

JUSTICE

A stern-faced man/woman with a crown on his/her head. They hold a scale in their hands. This card is pretty self-explanatory. If you have recently had an argument with a friend and this card turns up, they will probably call you and apologize. You could also get arrested for shoplifting, which is what happened to me.

THE HANGED MAN

The following two cards seem intimidating and scary, but they are quite innocuous according to me. The hanged man depicts an upside down guy, with one leg extended and pointing to his knee. He is hanging from a pole with grape vines. I think he is exercising (It’s called Inversion Therapy... it’s fun!) and most definately drunk. He looks pretty happy to me. I believe this card implies you are entering a healthy drunken stage in your life.

DEATH

People are always scared of this card but that’s just ignorant. Anybody familiar with the Tarot knows that the death card does not indicate a real death occuring (That would be the Fool card, or the Emperor). The card is great because it implies the death of bad habits, such as putting cigarettes out on your plate after dinner, or throwing pennies in the garbage because they annoy you. I appreciate when I see this card in a spread, because I know that it means someday I will stop obsessively cleaning my ears with q-tips.

TEMPERANCE

Temperance is all about calming down, not running around like a crazy person. Serenity. Inner peace. I think whoever invented the tarot felt pressure from their girlfriend to put something tame and un-scary in between Death and The Devil. When I get this card in a spread I try and ignore the ‘ance’ part of temperance and focus on the ‘temper’ part, because what’s healthier: a fiery temper that compels you to throw your pint glass in a crowded bar at a girl that might be talking to your man or taking it easy? I think my Grandmother said it best “Take it easy? How bout ‘make it sleazy!”. Well said, Grandma.

THE DEVIL

Most are familiar with this card - horned winged creature with hoofs.. It would appear that the Devil has gotten the lovers from the Lovers card, chained them together, and now they are his slaves. Well that’s just not true. I think this “Devil” is a match-making goat angel, and he has just hooked up two lonely people. This card is badly misinterpreted. In fact, I secretly hide extra copies of the Devil into my decks when I do readings, that’s how much I love this card. I met my boyfriend through this card!

THE TOWER

This one is pretty bad looking and it is unfortunately accurate. It shows a tower cracked by a thunderbolt, exploding into flames, some poor person being jettisoned out the tower window. If you get this card stay away from towers and thunderstorms. But the sad reality is that despite avoiding those things you will plummet from an exploding tower either way.

To Be Continued...